love until it hurts, then love some more

Blogger of the Year....

2012-01-24T19:33:00.002-05:00

Okay, clearly Blogger of the Year Award goes to me. One of my 2012 New Year's Resolutions was to blog more, and yet, here it is January 24th and I have yet to put a word on this blog. For goodness sake, my background is still Christmas-themed (PS-got that fixed)! Shew. I could make excuse about how busy I am (which is true) or about how I don't have time or any other number of reasons about why I haven't been blogging. But, the real reason is, I just haven't been feeling it. I mean, I want to work on building my blog, and yet, at the end of the day I find that I just don't have a lot to say. So, here's my attempt at being awesome and posting a blog entry worth reading? Ha.

I still plan on posting my DIY tutorials for my holiday projects. And I have another one in mind for February/Valentine's Day, I just need to purchase the materials. I will make that my goal for the month of January--I will post my holiday projects for you all to peruse. :)

To start 2012 out right, I want to do a brief recap of 2011 and fill you in on my goals for this year.

Goodbye 2011

I started out the year at my very first "big girl" job. I began as a Coordinator of Extended Campuses for two of our extended sites.
I graduated with my M.Ed. in Counseling and Human Development with a specialization in Mental Health Counseling...with graduate honors!
I passed the NCE and became a National Certified Counselor.
I moved to the great city of Louisville~I miss home, but I love my new apartment and the life I'm building.
I gained a beautiful Godson, Byson Liam.
Had the opportunity to travel a bit--went to New Orleans with a bestie and Disney World with my family over Christmas.
I got a new (to me) car, an '01 Nissan Maxima. It actually runs with no issues and the windows work! It's the little things y'all.

Hello 2012

I've already gained another Godson~Kyler Mason. My goal surrounding this and all my Godchildren is to be the best Godmother I can be and lead by example.
I'd like to pursue my professional life in a clinical aspect-I want to get a supervisor and start acquiring hours for my license. This could be a reality sooner rather than later and I may have more on this very soon!
I want my blog (yes, this one!) to flourish this year. This is going to require much more diligence on my part. But I'm working on it. :)
I want to indulge in my passions more this year~more DIY projects/crafts/etc., more photography, more journaling, more reading, more self-care.
I want to lose at least 60 pounds this year...I need to lose more, but I want to keep it realistic.
I want to pursue my spirituality, boldly, passionately. I want to find a good church in this area to help me grow.

So there you have it. 2011 in a nutshell and what's on the horizon for 2012. I want to do great things this year and I may well be on the track to accomplish those things. I hope that you have decided to take 2012 by the horns, head on. Find what drives your passion and move forward with it. Be YOU...not someone else's version of who they think you should be. But above all, believe in yourself and your ability to do great things. Be the change and move mountains.

Just a Stable

2011-12-19T22:29:00.002-05:00

I should be cleaning this messy apartment instead of blogging, but my cleaning gene just hasn't kicked in yet...so it's virtually useless in trying because I'll keep finding things to keep me distracted. So, I figured I'd just make myself useful and post a blog instead! The towels will eventually get folded and the dishes will eventually get put away. At least, they better! I leave for "home" in two days and Florida in five! And I would love nothing better than to come home to a nice, fresh, clean house when I get back in January. There is just so much to do between now and then!

One thing I really want to get done is post pictures of my latest DIY projects. I've made homemade Christmas ornaments as Christmas gifts as well as sugar body scrubs. Pinterest-inspired, of course. So I thought I might dedicate my next two posts to information about those little projects. I'm very proud of them. I've even had offers for people to buy the scrubs off me! Oh, and I made the cutest little wreath. Well, it's almost like a wreath~it's a snowman made of wreaths! So I'll make that a third future post. :)

I swear, if I had more time I'd devote it to making crafts & projects and selling them on Etsy. But my life is consumed with student recruiting, resolving student issues, class preparation, and teaching. My job seriously is a 24-hour job. The only way I can get away from it is to turn the cell phone off and/or disable email from coming to my phone. It's a non-stop flow of emails and telephone calls. I've had calls as late as 12:30am! Obviously I was asleep and didn't answer, but still, it's exhausting. I keep telling myself one day I'll have time to do all the things I want to do with my time--the crafts and the decorating and all that fun stuff...one day. Until that day, I will have to settle with the occasional Christmas or birthday gift and be content. At least then I can assure myself that I won't get burnt out on it and not enjoy it anymore. Right? Right. There's an upside to every down!

All the peacefulness of the season is starting to dissipate for me and the madness is starting to ensue. I have a total of 4 gifts wrapped. Five left to put finishing touches on...maybe I'll do that tonight instead of clean? ha. Then about 20 or so to get wrapped and put under my tree for a few days before boxing them up and taking them to MC with me. But even while the madness ensues, all I really need to do is stop for a moment, take a look at the pretty little abstract angel that adorns the top of my beautifully lit Christmas tree, and remind myself of the wonderful reason for this beautiful season. The Savior of my life, Jesus Christ. Born in a stable because there just wasn't room in the inn.

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is hearing one of the men in my family read the Christmas story before we open gifts...usually my dad. "And it came to pass that in those days...." The beginning words of Luke, Chapter 2, Verse 1. Those words signify the beginning of the Christmas story. It means that it's time for us to settle down in our chairs (or the floor), get comfortable surrounded by the ones who mean the most, and listen to the simple story of the birth of Jesus. That moment is and always will be so precious to me. I hope that as you are hustling and bustling around...buying those last minute Christmas gifts, attending that Christmas pageant that you almost forgot about, traveling near and far to visit family...whatever it may be...my hope and prayer is that you stop and remember that's it's not about Santa Claus and his elves and it's not about the gifts we give or receive....it's about the divine, Jesus Christ, born of Mary, entering this world on the floor of a barn.

Source

"Just a stable. A simple stable. Soon a star will shine and angel choirs will sing. Just a stable. A simple stable. And God has chosen it tonight to shelter a KING."

Keep that in mind as you go about your busy days that leave you weary and frustrated. It could always be worse and when it can't, it's gotta get better!

Holiday Survey

2011-12-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

I love this holiday survey idea from Julia over at Peanut Butter Fingers. So I thought I'd join in the fun and answer 25 questions about holiday traditions in my family. :)

25 Questions: Holiday Style

Eggnog or hot chocolate?

Definitely hot chocolate. I am not an eggnog fan, at all. But I love me some hot chocolate topped with marshmallows or whipped cream!

Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

Both. We would always get our "big" Santa gift unwrapped by our stockings, but he also left little wrapped things under the tree as well.

Colored lights on tree/house or white?

I am definitely a fan of white lights. But multi-colored lights are growing on me.

Do you hang mistletoe?

Nope. We used to when I was younger though.

When do you hang your decorations up?

The weekend after Thanksgiving. That's when the "Christmas season" officially begins for me. But I'm a firm believe that Thanksgiving should always come first, it's my favorite holiday!

What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?

Hmm...this one is tough! My mom makes a killer cheeseball.

Favorite holiday memory as a child?

Christmases with my great grandparents (on both sides). All the family would gather together and we would read the Christmas story piled in my great grandparents' little living room and it was just a great time of fellowship, love, and laughter.

What is on your Christmas wish list?

Mostly random things or things that I need (work clothes, etc.). I don't have a big ticket item this year.

Do you open a gifts on Christmas Eve?

Nope. We never could talk my parents into it!

How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

Which one?! I help my parents decorate their big tree every year, which is full of ornaments from years of girl scouts, boy scouts, elementary school, and the ornaments my mom decorates for each of us each year. It's a wonderfully sentimental tree and I love it. Only lights, ornaments, and fake snow go on that tree. My tree at home gets lights, ribbon, beads, and color-corresponding bulbs/ornaments. :)

Snow? Love it or dread it?

It should only be allowed to snow on 2 days each year--Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love white Christmases! But from the looks of things right now, we're not going to get one this year. It's been in the 60's for two days straight! :(

Real tree or fake tree?

Fake. I'm (unfortunately) highly allergic to real trees.

Do you remember your favorite gift?

One year my grandpa hand built the biggest, most awesome doll/Barbie house ever. One each for my sister & me. We still have one of them. I would love to get it restored and give it to my future daughter.

What’s the most important thing about Christmas for you?

Number one, naturally, is Jesus. Secondly, it's being home, surrounded by family and friends. There just isn't anything better than enjoying this time with people you love.

What is your favorite holiday dessert?

This jello salad stuff my grandma makes.

What is your favorite tradition?

Waking up super early on Christmas morning (it's getting later every year though!), having breakfast with my family, and watching everyone get excited over opening their gifts and stockings from "Santa".

What tops your tree?

An angel. Always.

Do you prefer giving or receiving?

Giving. I always end up going wayyyy over-budget (on time or money) on giving or making gifts for everyone.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

O, Holy Night.

Candy canes, yuck or yum?

Yum. Especially the non-peppermint flavored ones!

Favorite Christmas movie?

I love them all! National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer....etc.

What do you leave for Santa?

Cookies & milk.

Do you have a Christmas morning tradition?

See # 16 for my favorite tradition!

Do you prefer to shop on-line or at the mall?

A good balance of both. I do the bulk of my shopping online because it's so much easier! But I like going to the mall and browsing for certain special gifts. :)

Christmas letter or Christmas card?

My life is not exciting enough to fill up an entire Christmas letter, so I send out cards.

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

2011-12-06T16:20:00.001-05:00

Last night I sat and watched the majority of A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. I adore Peanuts and Charlie Brown holiday movies are the absolute best! But this year, it actually got me thinking beyond the cuteness of the movie and to the heart of what that 30 minute clip was all about...the true meaning of Christmas. The line in the movie where Charlie Brown screams, "CAN'T ANYONE TELL ME WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!" and little Linus and his blue blankie spotlight the Christmas story just made my heart melt.

And, that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about.
Source

In the past few weeks I have been enjoying the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I've spent oodles of money on gifts for loved ones (possibly more than I should have), I've been in/out of the mall and other stores making sure to check everyone off my list, and I see so much commercialism around me (and, of course, I buy right into it). The gimmicks, the sales, the price markdowns, the lines of a hundred small children waiting to be terrified by a an overweight man in a red suit with a white beard, the lines of anxious/angry moms and dads standing in line at the register trying to make sure their children have all the best toys this year....it's overwhelming. Christmas is about so much more...so much more.

Christmas is about a tiny baby Jesus brought into this world to die for our sins. About a child born in a manger--a trough--a cow's food bowl because there was no room for his parents in the inn...turned away and left to give birth in a stable (just a fancy word for barn), admidst the animals. Now, if that's not a picture of holiness, I'm not sure what is! Here we are, hustling about to buy all these wonderful gifts, the latest gadgets, the most up-to-date fashions...to celebrate the birth of a baby in a barn. They had next to nothing. Humble servants of God, blindly following Him to a brand new world of parenting JESUS. Could you imagine the overwhelming responsibility of that?!

Instead of celebrating that Holy night when Divinity entered this world on the floor of a stable, to lay in a manger with thoughts of peace, feeding the hungry, helping those in need....we find ourselves being greedy, nasty, and hateful just to find the best deal, get the biggest and best gifts, and outdo those around us. Can you please, please, please tell me how that makes sense? I love this little picture/saying: Are you part of the inn crowd or are you one of the stable few?

Source

I think this little gem of a statement speaks volumes. Does it spark a flame in you like it did in me? Brings it all back around to the true meaning of Christmas. It's not about toys, games, and Santa Claus. It's about the birth of a Savior. That, Charlie Brown, is the meaning of Christmas.

I hope if you're wondering around in a depressed funk, like Charlie Brown, that this post brings you light and peace and joy. If not, I hope that it inspires you to find those things in Christmas. Find an Angel Tree and buy a little child a toy, some clothes, some food. Find a family on your street or in your neighborhood that just can't quite make ends meet and give them a boost up--leave a box of groceries on their front steps, put a gift card in their mailbox, offer to babysit (free of charge) a few nights a week so mom/dad don't have to pay for daycare.... Offer a smile to those poor cashiers that have dealt with hateful grinches all day long. Really, it's the simple things.

Find your Charlie Brown tree and decorate it with warmth and love. That always makes me feel better. Decking the halls and warming up the house with trees and snowmen and my favorite little nativity scene (pictures, soon!). Do whatever it is that makes you think of Christmas and brings warmth and light to your heart. But most of all, remember that Jesus is at the heart of it all.

Source

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

holiday spirit

2011-11-21T19:32:00.001-05:00

Today I browsed around the aisles of Christmas decor and stocking stuffers while picking up a few things at Meijer and it definitely got me in the holiday spirit. There were Christmas carols playing and all of the glitter, gold, reds & greens just made my heart smile...and really got me excited about going home to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my family.

I am so sentimental when it comes to holidays. It took me years to ever throw a Christmas card away (and then I realized what a pack-rat that made me and I finally parted with some of them and crafted with others). I make homemade ornaments every year. My mom has given me an ornament with my name and the year on it ever since my first Christmas. I have a small tree that is adorned with all those precious ornaments from home and then a larger themed tree that goes up each year. And I am so looking forward to coming back home this weekend and carving out time to put the trees up! Right now my centerpiece is still scarecrows and pumpkins for Halloween/Thanksgiving; but come Sunday when I return from visiting with family it will be Christmas ornaments, snowflakes, and beads.

There is just something about the holidays that brings warmth into my life. I love to give and therefore buy gifts for everyone I can imagine and then some. I make sure to donate to local food banks so that those less fortunate than myself can enjoy the holidays as much as I do with my family. Right now my apartment complex is doing a Food Drive & a Coat Drive for the season--on Wednesday I plan to take a whole car load full of stuff over the office for donations. Like I said, it just warms my heart. :)

The rest of the week will be spent at home with family, and by home I mean where my parents live. There's just something about it, that no matter where I move or how far away I live, MC will be "home". I am looking forward the long weekend and the break from the hustle and bustle of work and the city life. It will be nice to slow down for a bit. Breathe some fresh air. See some old friends. Fellowship with family. Good times.

I hope that at some point over the next few days you take the time to reflect on what's important to you...who is important to you. And why. What do you value about those people and things in your life that brings them so near and dear to your heart? Take the time to tell those people how much you appreciate them and what you appreciate them for. You won't regret it. I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving (sorry Canadian friends, you already had yours!) and that you embrace the holiday and the spirit of giving thanks for all the things (even the little things) in your life!

the best laid plans of mice and men....

2011-11-14T14:39:00.001-05:00

I recently came across this quote while browsing Pinterest. I later realized that I've posted it not only once, but twice to my "Words of Wisdom" board. I can't help but hear a voice in my head say, "This is God speaking. Shut up and listen." Don't you just love those moments in life?

I think this post will follow up quite nicely with my previous post about what I am/am not doing with my life. Maybe God has different plans for me and maybe I'm not listening. Like I mentioned before, I'm in a job that I enjoy, but am not necessarily passionate about (minus the teaching part) and I have a (somewhat improving) mediocre social life because all my closest friends live a minimum of 2 hours away. It's actually disconcerting for me to be the little country girl I am at heart smack in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the largest city in the great state of Kentucky.

Big Red Dot = Louisville = Home

Then on the flip side, I love that I am 20 minutes away from anything I could ever imagine doing on a whim. I can catch a movie, enjoy a really great meal, go for a hike, find a yoga class, etc. on pretty much any night of the week at any time of the day/night. It's wonderful. An atmosphere that most 20-somethings would love. And I do.

Except, I don't feel passionate about the life I'm currently living. It's kind of blah. I get up, go to work, go home, eat/clean/etc., go to bed, get up and do it again the next day. My commute to work is about 45 minutes one-way, so that takes up a lot of time. The job itself is draining and so I go home not really feeling motivated to do much else. And that's where I want to inspire change in my life.

My original plan was to work this job after graduation until I got my license as a counselor (LPCC). The more I think of how long that could take and what that would mean, the more interest I have in finding another position that would be more in line with my passions and more of a fast track to licensure.

This is my passion!
Image Credit

That picture epitomizes where my heart lies and what I really want to be spending my days doing--helping special needs children grow and learn and feel valued. That is the life Joseph Campbell was talking about. The life that's waiting for me. There are so many agencies in the Louisville area that help special needs children. And I plan on working for one of them. I have no idea which one it will be yet (probably the first one that will make me an offer) and I don't know when the change will occur, but I'm convinced it's coming. It will be closer to home, so that will cut down on commuting time--leaving me with more hours in the day to enjoy the other, finer things in life that don't involve interstate traffic at rush hour. It will be more in tune with my passions and my interests--leaving me motivated at the end of the day, rather than drained. And I will no longer be sitting around making plans in my head, thinking about living the life I want, I will actually be living it!

I have got to get out of my head and inspire myself to action. And that's exactly what I'm doing. If I keep planning and thinking and wondering and wishing, I'll be here five years from now doing the same exact thing. Besides, what's that saying? The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. It's time to stop being a perfectionist, stop worrying about how others will respond, and start putting in applications and resumes and scheduling interviews. That's the only way to achieve the life that's waiting for me. It's been right under my nose all along and I've just been too scared to grab the reigns and take control.

So now, I'm prayerfully stepping into uncharted territory to grab hold of the life that is mine and needs a wake up call.

Image Credit

I ask that you pray for me and with me. That God will guide my steps into the unknown and that I will come out on the other side of this mountain with a new perspective, (hopefully) a new career choice, and the life that God has had waiting for me all along!

Leap of Faith

2011-11-03T13:54:00.000-04:00

I have been such a bad blogger as of late. I'd like to blame my busy schedule, my hectic life, and all the running around I do. But let's be honest, Pinterest has taken over my internet time. Seriously, love it. So many of the best ideas rolled up into one convenient place. I've found amazing blogs, amazing crafts, delicious recipes, clothes, jewelry; you name it, it's there. You should at least check it out.

But anyway. Life really is happening. All around me. Since the last time I blogged I turned 24. Exciting. That means in another 9 months, I'll be the big 2-5! Hello, quarter-life crisis. This really has me thinking about where I'm at in life and what I want from life. But moreso, it has me thinking about what in the world I'm doing about those things! I want to travel, I want to settle down, I want to start a family, I want to get my LPCC license, I want to start my own mental health agency in Appalachia, and I want to make all these dreams a reality. But what in the world am I really doing with my time?

I am working. I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off most days. I am wearing myself out in a job that I enjoy, but am not really passionate about. I love Lindsey Wilson College will all my heart and I love my students, but this is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. So, there's that. I am missing my family so much since I moved away. But that's part of life. Otherwise, I am really enjoying my new apartment--even if its walls are still bare and I can hardly keep it clean most weeks. I am helping plan baby showers and wedding showers and bachelorette parties for my good friends, all the while wishing that it could be me in their shoes. And I know I will get my day, someday, but right now it all seems very far away.

At this point, I'm just trying to get my head straight on my shoulders; get the nerve to take a few leaps of faith into the unknown; and I'm praying daily that God will give me the discernment to make the right choices in this life and follow His will. I know that all these dreams wouldn't be in this great big ole heart of mine if God didn't have a plan for them. At this point, I'm trying to take it one step at a time and go from there. It's the best I can do, right?

For today, my one step is to do my job well throughout the next 3 hours. Then head home to the best family a girl could ask for, curl up next to my nephew for the night, and know that when I wake up the next morning and for the next two mornings my days will be filled with amazing friends & family. On Sunday I get to celebrate the coming of my Godson, Kyler Mason. I'm baking a cake for the baby shower throughout the weekend. It's going to be a project, but well worth it for our little miracle. I will get to cuddle my nephew, Cole, and my Goddaughter, Kyndal Reese. All will be as it should be.

Tomorrow, I'll take another baby step, I'm just not sure what direction that will be in....

Forgiveness

2011-07-08T18:53:00.003-04:00

A dear friend recently posted the following facebook status:

took a page out of Angela's and Jenny's books, and forgave someone, giving him another chance.

At first, I didn't think a thing about it. Then I realized she was talking about me and my book. Say what? I never imagined that my life story would teach someone about forgiveness.

For the better part of my teenage years, I was the most forgiving person I knew. Someone could walk all over me, smear my face in the mud, kick me while I was down, and I would gladly get up, dust myself off, and continue with the "friendship."

After years of being taken advantage of by people I considered best friends, I decided that no one, and I mean no one, was going to walk all over me again! I was going to be Little Miss Independent, never rely on anyone, and heaven forbid someone get away with hurting me. I held onto grudges like fire to a wick. If someone crossed me the wrong way, I was done. I wasn't going to look back, I wasn't going to stress about it, I would simply walk away and that would be that.

Well, that wasn't a very happy existence either. There came a point in my life where I felt nothing more than numb. And I don't know that any of my lovely blog readers have ever reached that point in their lives, but there I was stone cold-hearted, numb, and bitter. I was so very bitter. I had very few friends, and only the friends that I will have for the rest of my life were the ones who stuck around. They didn't really know what was going on, they just knew I liked to keep mostly to myself and not hang out much. But when I did, I put on the happy face and went through life as though I had not a care in the world.

Meanwhile, my life was falling in around me. I didn't like who I was and I was terrified of the person I was becoming. I had a downward spiral into a serious depression, gained nearly 60 pounds, lost sight of what I wanted in life, spent most of my time in a "fantasy" world on the computer, where I made the majority of my friends. And I will always stand by the fact that some of my internet "friends" whom I have never met (and may never have the opportunity to meet) have been some of the truest and best friends I have ever had.

Then it dawned on me. The solution to my sorrow, my depression, my angst (trust me, there was plenty of angst...and I have some poems to prove it!)...was forgiveness. Not the "everyone is forgiven forever and always" mentality that I had before. But this idea that I cannot hold on to the pain of the world for the rest of my life. I had to Let Go. No, it wasn't that simple. It took about five journals worth of writing (maybe not that many, but I'm sure it was close); some very long rambled prayers to the Good Lord (Praise Him for listening!) that hadn't happened in far too long; and some letters to the people who had hurt me the most.

I'll be honest. I hadn't forgiven someone who hurt me very deeply until fall of 2009. I wasn't the bitter teenager at that point in my life anymore, but I hadn't let go of a lot of things. But that fall, I let go. I let God. And I no longer let that person control various aspects of my life. It's interesting how things work out.

If there is one thing I have learned through my lessons in forgiveness it's that forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you; and it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done in your life sometimes, but it will also be one of the most rewarding. When you break those chains, you are no longer bound by them.

So, if you find yourself bound to someone in a grudge, some form of hatred, or just outright frustration. Find it in your heart to forgive. Maybe you just need to let go and forgive yourself; that's okay, too. Write a letter to the person you need to forgive, put it away for a day or so, then re-read it. If you still feel the same, send it. If you don't speak to that person anymore--burn the letter, shred it, or cut it up and let.it.go.

Other times you'll find that you're holding on to something that just isn't worth it, but the person is. In that case, you can write the same letter and do the same burning, shredding, or cutting and move on from whatever situation it is that has caused you strife. It's hard to maintain a relationship when you harbor negative feelings toward someone! So find your inner peace, by letting go of whatever it is that burdens you, and let that person know that you forgive them and that you love them.

It's kind of like God's love, isn't it? That He loved me so much that He would send His one and only Son to die to save me. To forgive, even a little country girl like me, and provide me with the freedom to soar. It's awe-inspiring. Now, I'm no deity, and therefore, I have plenty of flaws (clearly!); but in order to live a life worthy of calling myself a Christ follower I, too, have to learn to forgive...even "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40). Whatever I do to those around me, I do also to my God. How can I hold a grudge against my Savior?! Exactly. Sometimes you just gotta listen to the Beatles and "Let It Be" (great song, huh?). :)

Life is too short to live in a bitter existence. And I am so glad that I've come to a point in my life where the pages of my story speak forgiveness! I hope that this post helps you find forgiveness in your heart as well. :)

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." --Robert Muller

how big I'm blessed

2011-06-27T15:29:00.003-04:00

As I sit here at work on a dreary Monday afternoon, pretending to be productive when there isn't much to do, I am overwhelmed by how blessed my life is. I spent the last two days with my parents and three of my younger brothers as they helped me move into my new apartment. We laughed, we lifted, we sweated, we bled (sorry about that, dad!), and we enjoyed each other's company in a way that we hadn't done in a while. Especially not in that small group.

Friday night I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning boxing and bagging things in my old apartment. I was a little emotional in the sentimental aspect of leaving my very first apartment, but I was also very excited to move on to bigger and better things. 5AM came way too early on Saturday morning, and I ended up laying in bed just a couple more hours after convincing myself that I could get the rest of my things packed before my parents and the boys showed up. I succeeded. We then packed everything down and sat it under the carport while my parents went to pick up the U-Haul truck. Once it arrived, we began loading everything--my entire home into one 14' truck. I was impressed. And I still have things to sort through and throw out. :)

We drove the 2 hours to Louisville and did the same thing, only backwards. haha. Mom helped me organize as the boys packed up the heavy stuff. Then after resting and refreshing a bit, we headed to Hometown Buffet for dinner. Enjoyed each other's company, and finally crashed around midnight after some channel-surfing on the new cable and more unpacking. Mom & dad took my bed, I slept in my spare room, and the boys took over the living room on couches and the floor. Sunday morning was similar. More unpacking/organizing. Then Cracker Barrel for brunch. Then my family came back to my apartment, gathered their things, and headed on their nearly 3 hour trip back home. God bless them! I have so much stuff. I'm still organizing, but I know that I would be wayyyyy in over my head if they had not been there to help.

Seriously, I am blessed beyond measure to have the amazing family that I do. Now I just hope that my other siblings and my nephew can come visit soon. I'll be visiting with them at my parents' home over 4th of July weekend, but I'd like to share my home with them. It's much smaller than the apartment that I just left, but it's cozy. I have a little balcony that I can put some plants out on, a chair or two, and enjoy the summer breeze or a cup of hot tea in the mornings as I'm getting ready for work.

And speaking of work, the commute! Ah, I was so impressed when I made it work 15 minutes early and didn't leave until after 8am! Seriously, that was the best news of the day. :) Tonight I plan on seeing my parents again as they are heading up for a 3-day conference and staying downtown. They're going to bring me my cleaning supplies. Tomorrow I'm going to the President's Ball with them (first time, ever! Even though I used to go to this conference with them yearly growing up). So, I won't be so lonely for the next couple of days. After that, I think the reality of the fact that I'm doing this on my own will settle in and it will be time for me to branch out and start making new friends and trying to convince old friends to come visit! :)

But this is my life for now. Settling in to the newness of everything. And realizing how big I'm blessed in this great big world!

Life is too short to worry about "stuff."

2011-06-10T14:03:00.004-04:00

Moving day is inching closer and I still have nothing packed. I HATE PACKING. I always have. I put it off until the last possible moment--either the day before move-in day the dorm, the Friday of finals week when I'm moving out on Saturday from the dorms, the Sunday night after having my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday before moving into my first apartment on Monday, and now two short weeks before moving two hours away (which means I need to be efficient to make very few trips), not a single thing is in a box! Even for short trips/vacations, I'm packing at 2am before leaving at 8am. I'm not sure where my dislike for packing came from, but it's there and it's annoying. But I'm hoping (and praying!) that this move will be one of my last for a while. Honestly, I'd like for my next move to be a more "permanent" move into a house of my own rather than a rental property. But we'll cross that bridge when the river runs through it. :)

My biggest goal for this weekend is to de-clutter, re-organize, cluster things for donations, and clean. That way when I start putting things away in boxes, I'll feel confident that they're going in the right boxes and that the stuff I'm taking really needs to be going with me. I come from a long line of hoarders (no, really) and I have tried so hard in my life to counterbalance that tendency. With each move I take a little less and get rid of a little more. I much prefer simplicity in nearly all aspects of life. The fact that I'm downsizing apartments from where I'm at now to where I'm going really helps put things in perspective.

The weight of the recent disasters in Missouri, Alabama, and Arizona have been on my heart as well. I pray for the people affected by these horrible disasters daily...and mostly I pray that they cultivate the relationships in their lives while coming to the realization that the material stuff can be replaced (even when it's difficult to let go). I guess I need to be praying the same prayer in my own life. The material stuff can be let go. While it may evoke a memory with a certain person or an event, the memory and the people I shared it with are by far the most important things! So I pray that I can keep that in mind while going through all the stuff I've acquired over the years to downsize.

Life is too short to worry about "stuff." I need to be more concerned about the relationships I'm building, maintaining the ones I've built, and seeking to be the best version of my self that's possible. The stuff can go.

So that's what I'm up to this weekend. Anyone else have any big plans?

God is moving mountains in my life!

2011-06-01T15:46:00.004-04:00

So apparently my lack of blogging isn't all grad school's fault. Maybe work & life get in the way a little bit, too? Either way, I miss it! And I should do it more. Even if it's not read far & wide, I'm okay with that. This is for me, but if it touches you along the way, awesome!

I just wanted to share a bit in all of the wonderful things God is doing in my life. For the past 6 months I have been praying for a place to move closer to work. Right now my commute is around 90 miles and a little over an hour and a half one way. So, I spend a good three to three & a half hours on the road on days I work. This wasn't so bad when I was only working part-time, three days per week. But now I'm working full time, five days per week and gas is incredibly expensive! In May alone, I spent over $600 for gas in my vehicle. I drive an Alero, not a gas-guzzling SUV people! ha.

Anyway, last week I decided to get on Craigslist to see if I could find anything in the area. Don't ask why, I never get on Craigslist. But, I did. And I found a complex about 35 miles away from work, in Louisville, that was perfect. Or seemed that way anyway. So I contacted the poster for more information and got it, then forwarded the email on to dad (who helps make important decisions like this). We went to look at the complex yesterday and I fell in love. It's an older building, but it's been well-maintained. The apartment that I will be getting is 2 bedrooms/1.5 baths (yay company!). The complex has a security guard and these funky little electronic keys that are re-programmed for every new resident (awesome); there is a 24/7 fitness center; swimming pool; free tanning; and the property sits on a lake where there are hiking trails, fishing, canoeing, and paddle boating. All that for within my price range! It's about a 45 minute drive from work. But I'm cutting my commute into a third compared to what I'm driving now. And I'll be in the Louisville area, where I have more friends & acquaintances and my parents are much more likely to come visit (it's the little things). I'm very excited about that amazing and upcoming journey. The apartment will be available in about three weeks...so I have lots of packing, organizing, donating, and trashing to do!

God has been moving in others ways in my life as well. He's teaching me a lot about accepting myself where I'm at and that I can't be all things to all people. I will let others down. I am going to hurt someone along my journey. It may never be intentional (and I hope I'm never spiteful enough to let Satan get to me like that!), but it's bound to happen. Why? Because I'm a fallible human being who is going to make mistakes. It's that simple. These realizations about life have really started to liberate me. I must admit it's a much less stressful way to live life!

I'm very much so looking forward to the road that's ahead of me. And the path that I will travel to get there. I feel lots of transformations coming in my life and God to continue moving in amazing, powerful ways!

Life Doesn't Stop for Anyone

2011-05-08T11:18:00.006-04:00

I don't blog nearly as much as I would like, but believe me when I say it's all grad school's fault. In a matter of days I will be walking across the stage to be hooded by the Dean of the School of Professional Counseling, shake the President's hand, pose for a picture, and call myself a graduate with a Master of Education! I am so very excited for this accomplishment, but I also find it to be very bittersweet.

For the past 2 years, I have devoted my life to 60 graduate course hours of class time, well over 600 hours of internship devotion, and spent 10-11 hours per week with 5 amazing women that have absolutely changed my life.

Without these women, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have quit this program within the first semester when life seemed like it was falling apart (and it was), but with their support and encouragement, it all fell right back together and we made it. Through all of the tears, headaches, stress, and nervous breakdowns....we have accomplished something that many people don't. And I am so thankful for the support and love I have received from these ladies!

Here's a little excerpt from my journal on Friday afternoon:

As of this morning, I have contacted a student, gotten a perfect 100% on a final, scheduled a dentist appointment, and slowly come to the solemn realization that life doesn't stop for anyone; those chances you didn't take you will regret and sometimes you'll doubt the ones you did. Graduation is 8 days aways and I'm very excited, but I'm also scared. Now that school is out of the way, I have no excuse not to pursue a family. People will start asking questions. They'll want to know if I'm going to get my doctorate (I will, right?), when I'm bringing a boy home to meet the family (uh--I don't even know any?), and when I plan to settle down. Those are all things that I want at some point in my life. But today they seem so far out of reach.

And I still kind of feel that way. All I have ever been for the past 20 years of my life is a student, a learner, a part of academia. Now, I'm a "Master". I've achieved the status of teacher. I can help others step into my shoes. While I'm very proud of this accomplishment, it's so odd to me for my role in life to be changing so much. I've had some other things come up in the past few days that I'm praying for much discernment about. I don't want to leave them for the world to read (because that could greatly alter my opinion of the situation), but it boils down to staying where I'm at or following a dream. Politics are involved, which makes it complicated and sticky. But a dear friend of mine basically put it like this, "So, you're willing to sacrifice your dream and stay put so you can help others achieve their dreams?" Doesn't make sense when you put it that way, does it? I just ask that my great and powerful God lead me in the right direction for my life. And I am faithfully assured that he will.

Right now I am comforted by Proverbs 3:5-6: "(5) Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; (6) In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Through prayer, meditation, and performing the works of God, my King, I will find the way that will fulfill His Glory and His will for my life. "Not my will Father, but thine."

Today is also Mother's Day. So I hope you're out there celebrating the mothers, grandmothers, and the mothers-to-be in your life. Not just today, but everyday. I hope that they feel loved, cherished, and appreciated for all that they do and continue to do. My Momma is one of the greatest and I have her to thank for the woman I have become.

I'm off to finish up a final and do some studying for the last two of my graduate career! Wish me luck!

my stuff

2011-04-18T13:04:00.002-04:00

Francesca Battistelli pulls words straight out of my heart when she sings "This Is the Stuff."

Seriously, as a grad student it seems as though there out countless set backs in my day. Canceled appointments, no-shows for appointments, papers due that I wait until last minute thinking it will be "easy" only to realize it's not even almost easy, work, balancing with family & friends, the whole nine yards....and yet at the end of the day I'm okay. And I know that the only reason that I'm okay is because God was guiding me through the process. The chorus of the song goes something like this:

This is the stuff, that drives me crazy,
This is the stuff, that's getting to me lately,
In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed.
This is the stuff, that gets under my skin,
But I gotta trust, you know exactly what you're doin'
Might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff you use.

So on days like today when I feel like there's too much to do, or that I'm losing my head because I can't remember anything the way it should be remembered, I have to remember that there's a lesson amidst the chaos and a testimony in the test. And at the end of the day I still have much to be thankful for. God would never give me more than I could handle. I just have to get to the end of the day to welcome a new one tomorrow.

i can and i will....graduation ahead!

2011-04-08T14:36:00.004-04:00

It's April. A week into April, at that. And I'm not really even sure how it got here. I'm still questioning what happened to January through March. I'm sure that when I think about it, something called life happened. But, doesn't make it seem any less surreal that I will graduate with my Master's degree in a mere FIVE WEEKS. That's actually 36 days from now, if any of you are keeping count. And the only thing I've done in preparation to graduate is apply & purchase my cap & gown. ha. I should probably get on the creative process of those announcements!

I feel overwhelmed with excitement, anxiety, and stress right now. I'm insanely proud that I've managed to come this far in my education and have worked every day of my life to get the point I'm at now; but at the same time, I find it odd to think about how after being in school 20/23 years of life that I'm finished. Not indefinitely, as I hope to eventually pursue a degree at the doctoral level; but for a year or so, I'm done. No more 5 hour nights of class. No more rant sessions with my cohort when things just don't seem to be going right. Less stress. Less time commitments. Just me, my commute (which will hopefully be reduced soon), and my job. Weird.

I've spent at least the last two years waiting to think about what this moment would feel like and what I'd do with it...and now part of me is scared to be done. Who am I without school? What do I do with that extra 40 hours a week that I devote to my education? I've made memories with my classmates that I'll never forget and I've made connections with professors, classmates, and colleagues that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I'm so thankful that I get to maintain those through employment with Lindsey Wilson College. It's home. And I'm so glad that I don't really ever have to leave!

Yes, that's where I've been at in the past few weeks. Grappling with this crazy idea of graduation, trying to ensure that I have everything in order to pass all my classes this semester, and trying not to let the juggling of work, school, internship, family life, and friends whisk me up too quickly. Balance. Balance. Balance. I will get there. I can and I will.

I am more

2011-03-01T14:30:00.003-05:00

The past week or so has been particularly difficult for me in a number of venues. I've been over-stressed, overwhelmed, and consistently behind. There have been days that I've started and ended my days on the verge of tears. Today, now that things seem to have re-surfaced, the waters have calmed, and I no longer feel as though I'm drowning, I felt the need to reflect on how things managed to get me down and keep me there. Especially for nearly a week! Here's a brief synopsis of what I came up with.

I'm not taking care of myself; physically or mentally. I'm on the go 24/7 and even weekends that are supposed to be "breaks" feel more like work. I never let myself unwind because I'm worried about the next deadline or due date. Bubble baths, long walks, pleasure reading, and meditation used to be high on my priority list. I can't tell you the last time I successfully accomplished any of these tasks. It's time to bring myself back to the basics: feed myself well; exercise/play often; and work hard enough, but not too hard. It's really that simple.
I've lost touch with God. My devotional and my Bible rest on my headboard shelf above my head every single night. Most nights I find myself working until after I need to be asleep, not even touching either book, and falling asleep in the middle of my prayers. This is not the kind of Christian example I want to give to the world. I want my inner light to shine from within because I'm feeding myself daily with God's word. And by getting back to the basics in number one, as well as fulfilling this aspect of myself, I can not only create time to talk with God, but give myself time to listen to God as well.
I have unintentionally put friendships on the back burner in place of school/work. I'm not cultivating relationships in my life in the same manner that I have in the past. And I miss those people in my life. I need to take more initiative to place those people back in my life on a much more regular basis.
I'm too critical of myself. I emphasize and exaggerate my flaws. And spend so much time looking at them, that I fail to notice the good I'm doing in this world, in my life, and in the lives of others. I fully believe that I need to be aware of my flaws, but I don't need to keep sole focus on them. I am more than that. So much more. And Tenth Avenue North has given song to the words in my heart regarding this:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

I am a broken and forgiven child of God. I am more than the flaws that I perceive in myself. I am healed. I am strong because all things I do, I do through the strength of Christ. But most importantly, I have been made new. I have been made in His image, and He is Holy. Praise God that I don't have to be anything more than the humble servant that I am...because He loves me, forgives me, and saves me anyway....

So, that's where I'm at today. I'm about being more...and believing I am more. I'm reflecting and finding the peace within myself to create change in my life for the better. I would never venture to say I've got it all just right, but I am getting there. And the journey is more than the destination ever will be.

i'm still around, i promise

2011-02-25T15:22:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure when I let this blog take the back burner to the rest of my life, but unfortunately for me, it has. Life has taken hold of me, shaken me, worn me down, and picked me back up just to do it all over again. I've lost sight of some of the goals in my life and created new ones. I've even stumbled upon a new passion or two. I've definitely been going through a lot of changes, so we'll start there.

On February 8, 2011 at 8:15am, a 7lbs, 3oz., 19" long miracle graced the presence of the world. Byson "Liam" Pritchard was born and I was named one of his Godparents.

Despite fear of complications after his big sister's still birth in Dec. 2009, Liam was born perfectly healthy, despite being a month away from his original due date. He's absolutely precious. Liam makes my second Godchild and I am so thankful to have people in my life who care enough about me and put enough trust in me to name me the Godmother of their children. It truly is a blessing. I have also realized the great amount of responsibility that comes with being a Godmother--it's very similar to being an aunt to the greatest nephew on the face of the planet--but it involves being a role model, responsible to the little life that has so much to look forward to, and ensuring (along with his parents) that all of his needs are met and that he has all of the resources necessary to flourish into a wonderful young man. It's a lot of responsibility, but I love it all the same.

Other changes, that I believe I may have talked about briefly before are mostly professional. In January, I started a new job (my "grown up" job, if you will) as Enrollment/Site Coordinator for the college I've been going to since 2005. It's nice to grow in a place that gives back to its graduates. I will graduate from the same college with my Master of Education in Counseling & Human Development with a specialization in Mental Health Counseling (now, that's a mouthful!) in May. That is very exciting. But I'm also incredibly excited to continue on my journey using LWC as not only my alma mater, but in development of my career. It's really nice. I won't lie, taking on a full-time position, internship, and finishing up a more-than-full-time semester (13 grad hours) is very stressful. But I know that in the end when I walk across that stage it will be worth it knowing that come Monday following graduation, I have a place of employment and I'm not searching for a job in this horrible economy. And not just any job, a job that gives back to the community and the people in the community. A job that builds relationships with community agencies, community members, and the college that I have become so fond of over the years. It's nice, really.

Unfortunately, along with that stress comes the stress of apartment/rental property hunting. That, I do not enjoy, at all. I like the excitement of finding a home that I will enjoy and get to decorate and all of that fun stuff. But I do not like the frustration of finding a sufficient place in an area where cost of living is much higher than I am used to. And the packing/moving process in general is just so draining--I don't even want to imagine that! But, in the end, I know I'll find a place to call my own and I will love it, no matter what. I wouldn't move into it if I didn't! But, the process is exhausting nonetheless.

So, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. Working on being the best Godmom, aunt, daughter, sister I can be; working hard at establishing myself in this new position; and house hunting. Hopefully I will avoid neglecting this blog for too long at a time. I quite enjoy it. So we'll see what happens in the coming weeks I guess!

oh wow, hey there 2011.

2011-01-15T23:43:00.004-05:00

Wow, it's been a while! I can't believe it's already 2011. What? Where did 2010 go? Oh yeah, that's right, I was in grad school....haha. ALMOST finished...bring on MAY.

Lots of changes have taken place in my life. I've started my new job, which I'm very excited about. It's a lot of work to balance the job and my internship, but so far, I've been able to manage. A new balancing act will take place on Thursday when my classes start. Hopefully all will be well and I won't struggle.

Along with the job comes a new apartment/house search. I dread that aspect, SO badly. I feel like I'm just now getting settled in to my current apartment, and now it'll just be a few more months before I'm packing everything up again. But that's okay. This next move will be much more permanent--at least a few years in one spot. So then, I can actually decorate the way I want to, buy things to make it more like "home." That will be ah-mazing. That's the only part that excites me though. lol. Finding a place that's affordable and convenient is not easy. And then there's the whole actual moving process, which is not fun.

Lastly, the big change in my life right now is my desire to work on losing weight. So far, it's been teeny tiny baby steps...but hey, gotta get there somehow, right? I've gone 8 days now with at least 10 minutes of some form of exercise; most days I do more than that, but as long as I get 10 minutes in, I have accomplished a goal for that day. Once that becomes second nature and manageable, my goal will be 15-20 minutes per day, then 30, and eventually an hour. It may just be walking or it might be Tae Bo or strength training; but 10 minutes a day are devoted to bettering my health. I've also given up soda (2 weeks today!). This has increased my water intake, so hopefully those two changes will force changes in my body over the next few weeks. Then other changes will be implemented, one at a time, so that they're sustainable over time. It's not easy. And it this point, my body is resisting the change--but that's what I want! That means change is actually happening. I think along with the consistency is coming confidence in myself and my body to do more. Which is something I am very thankful for. And something I've been searching for.

And that's the update to my not so exciting life. :) I'm about to head to bed, it's wayyyy past my bedtime! I've been getting in bed by 10 pm most nights here recently, and it's almost 11. Yuck!

Day 30 – One last moment

2010-12-25T23:38:00.002-05:00

Today, Christmas 2010, when I realized that I've officially joined the adult club. I no longer ask for trivial, fun things for Christmas (although they are sometimes much appreciated), but I ask for necessities (like socks) or practical things (like dish towels). And what's more is that I appreciate these things, whereas 5-10 years ago, I loathed practical, necessary gifts. It's a bittersweet moment to realize that I'm no longer trapped in between the childlike spirit of Christmas and the adult frustrations and stress of Christmas--I'm full blown stressed out. I'm not sure I like this!

Day 29 – Your aspirations

2010-12-23T10:27:00.002-05:00

I aspire to do a lot of things in my life. Some say I'm a dreamer and that I'll never accomplish all that I desire...unfortunately for them, they are wrong. :)

In January, I'm taking on a job (while finishing up my Master's degree), 90 miles away from main campus and my apartment as a Site Coordinator for one of LWC's extended campuses. This will involve traveling 3-4 days per week, while I maintain classes on main campus 2 days a week. The only day "off" completely will be Sundays, and I'm sure those days will still involve fielding phone calls and emails and troubleshooting for any students who need it. After graduation in May, I will work on the move to the town of that campus. While this venture wasn't originally in my life plan, I feel like it has created an amazing opportunity to provide a stepping stone to reach my ultimate goals. And will provide me with some amazing tools to utilize in my future endeavors--namely, my ability to function outside of my comfort zone.

While functioning in this position post-graduation, I will utilize it as a way to obtain my license to practice counseling in Kentucky (become a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor--LPCC). I would also like to find the time (and finances) to become certified in Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) to work effectively with autistic children.

Ultimately, a good 15-20 years from now, I'd like to start an agency in Eastern Kentucky that adheres to the values and principles of the Appalachian culture; I want to provide them with a mental health environment that they feel embraces them rather than chastises them.

Personally, my aspirations are to settle down and have a family of my own to cherish & love. I also want to the best daughter, granddaughter, neice, sister, aunt, Godmother, and friend that I can be.

All-in-all, I can't say that's too much to ask for.

Day 28 – Something that you miss

2010-12-23T10:20:00.002-05:00

More than anything, I miss simplicity. My life is so complicated these days between work, school, getting a new job, fitting in homework, time with family, time with friends, keeping a good relationship with my roommate....it's incredibly stressful.

Part of the stress comes from me being a people-pleaser and wanting to make everyone in the world happy other than myself; another portion comes from me being a giver and wanting to give everyone anything and everything they want to the best of my ability and when I can; and the last, and probably smallest, portion of the stress simply comes from life circumstance.

I just wish I would have taken the time when I was living the simple life to cherish it more. I had no idea how good I had it....

Day 27 – Your favorite place

2010-12-21T00:36:00.002-05:00

Right where I am this very moment. Piled up on my sister's couch, my nephew beside me, enjoying coloring book pages. I have hundreds of coloring book pages, drawings, paintings, etc. that he has made for me. I cherish each and every one like it was the first. I just enjoy his company. The past 7 years have given me the best job in the whole wide world and provided me with my favorite place--in the company of a blue-eyed, blond, boy named Zander Cole. I wish I got to do this more often....

Day 26 – Your fears

2010-12-19T00:43:00.002-05:00

The thing I fear most in this world is losing those I love. Yes, I have faced this fear more times than I care to count, but it doesn't make it any easier or desensitize me to the fear. It's a very painful experience, that I don't wish on anyone. And like I mentioned, previously, just a fear that I don't think I will ever get over. I value the people in my life more than anything, and even though I cognitively know that they're no longer suffering or that they're in a better place, my heart still misses them...greatly.

Other random fears of mine--failure, spiders, and fire. I also have a fear of drowning, but not of water. I think has more to do with a fear of suffocation than drowning, but hey, whatever, it's a fear nonetheless.

Day 25 – A first

2010-12-19T00:40:00.002-05:00

Oh how I despise the irony of this world....

Today, on my way home from Christmas shopping, I was involved in my first accident involving another vehicle. I was rear ended. It shook my nerves, pretty badly; but the important thing is, I'm safe, the other driver is safe, and my passenger/bff is safe. My car is not totaled, it is drivable; it needs some TLC soon, but it'll be alright.

I mostly am just ready for bed at this point. I'm a little sore, a lot exhausted, and just glad that Jesus had his hand in all of it.

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

2010-12-17T12:08:00.003-05:00

Why so depressing?

The thing that makes me cry the most is reminiscing about those that were so important in my life that have gone on to be with Jesus. These tears come as a mixture of sadness, because they're gone, and happiness because I had them and now they have Jesus!

So I cry bittersweet tears remembering the times I had with my great grandparents; preparing for sweet baby Keyleygh (one year ago today you went to be with Jesus & we love you even more); helping my dear friend Shaun prepare for Junior prom, only to lose him weeks later; and all the other important people in my life that have passed.

I miss them. I love them. And I know that they wouldn't have it any other way than to be with their God; and I also know that one day my life will end and I will get to rejoice with them in Heaven. :)

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

2010-12-17T11:56:00.002-05:00

This one is, fortunately, much easier than the last one. There are lots of things that make me feel better when I've been down!

Time with my nephew. Specifically playing board games, even when he cheats!
Time with my Goddaughter. It's so great to be able to watch her grow, knowing that I play a big role in her life.
A good church sermon that reaches down and reignites passion for Jesus.
Time with friends. Sometimes it's just great to unwind with a group of friends...piling around a table of chips & salsa doesn't hurt either. :)
Bubble baths.
Enya. Enough said.
A good book.
Good music.
A good night's sleep.
Long naps.
A clean house.
Freshly laundered sheets.
A good workout.
A completed task list/to-do list.

There are plenty of other things, but these are definitely the things that top the list!

Day 22 – Something that upsets you

2010-12-16T16:02:00.003-05:00

Oh goodness. What kind of upset are we talking here? Enraged upset, hurt feelings upset, or just pet peeves in general? The rest of this post could go in a lot of different ways based on your definition of "upset."

How about I go with things that generally upset me?

Being lied to.
Being manipulated.
Seeing children without shoes/coats when it's cold outside.
Driving down the road and seeing someone with a child in the car who is not in a car seat (you best believe I report them).
Women who don't feel strong enough to break the cycle of abuse.
Being in a counseling session, knowing the answer to the client's problem, and not being able to give it to them because "counselors don't give advice."
Seeing someone intentionally hurt themselves, another person, or an animal. It's heartbreaking.
A full to-do list after a day of extreme productivity.
Hypocritical people who feel the need to verbally attack others. If you want to live your life one way in one venue and another way in another venue, that's between you & God; but please don't place judgment on me for how I live mine.
Looking back on certain aspects of my past.
The uncertainty of the future--I'm a big planner; when things don't go the way I think they should I get extremely anxious. Sometimes I just have to relinquish control, let go, and let God.
Being a gracious giver and not having the money to give everything I'd like to. This has resulted in insane amounts of creativity, but it's upsetting nonetheless.

I could probably go on for much longer than that, but those are the main things that I would classify as being "upsetting" to me. What are the things you find upsetting?

Day 21 – Another moment

2010-12-16T15:54:00.004-05:00

Another great moment in my (recent) life was a few weeks ago when I went home specifically to help my mom decorate for Christmas. Turns out, that didn't happen, but in turn I got to spend an hour & a half with my best friend from home and my Goddaughter, Kyndal. Typically it takes her a few minutes to warm up to me, but not that day. On that day she gave me a great big hug as soon as I walked in the door. It was so good to be remembered by the little girl whom I adore. She's beautiful & even helped me open my Christmas present! We spent the rest of our afternoon sharing a bowl of chili; watching a disturbing episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, starring Jack Black (yeah, very out of the ordinary); and playing with teddy bears (note the carrot nose in my lap!).

Day 20 – This month

2010-12-15T18:06:00.002-05:00

December. Oh goodness.

I had my finals last week. This week I'm just kind of hanging out at work, waiting on the winter storm to pass through. Sunday I'm heading home through Christmas. The week after Christmas dad & I are going to spend a few days exploring the Elizabethtown/Radcliff area, since that's where I'll be living in the next 6 months. And then I'll be home for New Year's.

Lots of busy-ness, time with family, catching up with friends, and preparing myself for a new journey in the coming months. Should be a great time!

Day 19 – Something you regret

2010-12-15T17:59:00.003-05:00

I'm one of those cop outs that constantly say I don't live with regrets. I'm also full of it. Everyone has regrets. The difference is I don't let my regrets rule my life; I move on, learn from them, and let go to the best of my ability. Many of my regrets lie in various relationships--not necessarily romantic ones--and the decisions that I've made in them. I'm a person who will very quickly and easily cut someone who causes too much drama or mistreats me out of my life, no questions. In some instances this decision hasn't come quickly enough and in others it has come too quickly; and in at least one it was a perfect decision, right on time. Then there are also those friends that I didn't maintain contact with that I wish I would have. Or that have fallen to the wayside both because of me and because of the other person. I've found that I'm becoming better at this, but overall, I just have to think before I act more often. But in general, who wouldn't have fewer regrets if they did that more often?

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

2010-12-14T17:59:00.002-05:00

Another two-a-day. :)

Um, my favorite birthday is hard to pick. My siblings & I shared a family birthday celebration over Labor Day weekend through most of my childhood and occasionally we would have individual celebrations on the actual day of our birthdays. Most of the time I attempted to have birthday parties that didn't work out (a total of 3 people came to my sweet 16).

So, in light of turning over a new leaf, let's say that my 24th birthday (8 months away) will be my favorite! :)

Day 17 – Your favorite memory

2010-12-14T12:00:00.002-05:00

Hmm...I have to pick just one? That doesn't seem fair. In light of the Christmas season though, I do have some favorite memories associated with this time of year.

This morning a group of kids were playing in the snow as I came in to work and it reminded me of being in middle school and get a couple feet of snow (yes, more than 6 inches!), bundling up to the max--2 pairs of socks, then a plastic bag (to keep the moisture out) and another pair of socks, 2-3 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of gloves, 2 t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and a coat...whole nine yards. Then spending HOURS in the snow.

Then we'd come in to the foyer, strip down into our long johns because we weren't allowed any further than that with snow on our clothes, get warmed up with some hot chocolate, a tin full of that nasty Christmas popcorn (that was of course a delicacy to my 12 year old mind), and then battle each other in Nintendo for the rest of the day.

I miss how simple life was then. It just reminds me how much more play I need in my life. Dr. Jodi would be proud of this realization. Or maybe disappointed that I haven't come to the realization sooner. Either way, I intend to play more!

Day 16 – Your first kiss

2010-12-13T22:34:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know I did Day 15 earlier today, but let's get this over with, alright? :)

My first kiss, I'd rather not talk about. I was 12, at a Valentine's Day dance, and my best friend had just broken up with him. I danced with him to talk (because we were friends), and he kissed me. We were then boyfriend/girlfriend (wtf? we were 12!) for a whole week. ha. Shameful. In my defense it was another 2-3 years before I kissed anyone else..

Day 15 – Your dreams

2010-12-13T15:56:00.003-05:00

My dreams, as in aspirations, are very ambitious and are above and beyond anything I could have imagined for myself when I was younger.

Right now, my main aspiration is to graduate with my Master's degree and continue on as a Site Enrollment Coordinator for Lindsey Wilson College. During my time serving in that role I hope to obtain my LPCC credential (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor). Then I hope to be able to find some clinical work somewhere, and potentially become certified in Applied Behavioral Analysis, which is a type of behavioral therapy that works wonders for children with Autism.

Eventually, my dream is to open up an agency in Eastern Kentucky where people can receive mental health services that cater to the Appalachian culture and all that entails. I would love to see the people of that area receive mental health services that are beneficial to them, rather than just further prove their idea that institutions are bad news and aren't to be trusted.

That's definitely on my 10-15 year plan though.

My personal dreams involve settling down and starting a family within the next 10 years, preferably 5-7. But I understand and respect that those things take time. And I'm willing to be patient.

In general, I'm a rather ambitious person, and I'm willing to put myself out there to ensure that I'll get to where I want to go. All I have to have is direction!

Day 14 – What you wore today

2010-12-12T17:26:00.004-05:00

Again?

Seriously.

Anyway, I went to the grocery store earlier--I wore clogs, jeans, a blue t-shirt under my grey peace, love, & counseling t-shirt, my black peace, love, & counseling hoodie, a scarf, my yellow puffer jacket, and gloves.

Now that I'm home and settled in for the evening, I've shed the jacket, gloves, scarf, and hoodie and I've traded the hoodie for sweatpants. I'm comfy. This is my typical weekend attire and is especially great for cleaning days!

Day 13 – This week

2010-12-11T19:03:00.002-05:00

What a week it has been!

Monday--I had a job interview that I should know something about the middle of next week. This job will be a HUGE opportunity for me and guarantee employment after graduation, because I would technically start in January. :) I also had a night full of finals that night. We said goodbye to a favorite classmate, as he is joining a cohort in Louisville. Definitely a bittersweet moment. But at the end of the night, my semester was complete!

Tuesday/Wednesday--Just another day in the office. Wednesday was a good friend's 25th birthday, so a group of us went to lunch. It was nice.

Thursday--A day in the office & then off to my roommate's sister's baby shower. It was a good evening. And I loved looking at all the baby stuff! It's too cute. :)

Friday--Worked all day, organized delivering of the shirts/hoodies we sold for the Alpha Chi Omega chapter of Chi Sigma Iota. Then I attended the Human Services Pinning Ceremony for all the graduates of the School of Professional Counseling. Spent some time with a friend who graduated today and her family. Good times.

Saturday--So far, I attended graduation, started laundry, took a 2 hour nap, put together a Christmas centerpiece for the kitchen table, went through some old t-shirts to donate and decided I want to find someone to make me a quilt of all my college t-shirts, and did dishes. Now I'm watching Throwdown with Bobby Flay and I'm waiting on the roommate to get home from work so we can have dinner and hang out for a bit.

Tomorrow/Sunday--Cookie & I will go to church in the morning (assuming the roads aren't bad when we wake up), then grocery shopping, and our weekly Sunday deep cleaning.

I know, I know, I'm so exciting you can hardly stand it!

Day 12 – What’s in your bag

2010-12-10T12:40:00.003-05:00

Which bag? might be the better question. :) I have 3.

Right now, for the first time in 6 months, maybe a year, my backpack is completely empty. It's lying lifeless on my office floor, filthy from being packed from class to class, office to home, and back to class. I've emptied it out in order to wash the poor thing.

My green Aero tote is currently full of notebooks--specifically ones that hold to-do lists, goal lists, etc. It also has the counseling center's phone consult manual, a sudoku book, my daily devotional, my journal, my planner, my wallet, sunglasses, another folded tote bag, and some writing utensils in it.

My purse is a mess. It's at home and I probably couldn't do it justice for the number of things in there: keys/keychains, trash, receipts, movie tickets, chapstick, lotion, hand sanitizer, my camera, candy canes, pens, and there is no telling what else!

Day 11 – Your siblings

2010-12-08T21:40:00.003-05:00

If I spoke about them all individually, I'd be here for days. I have 8 siblings. One of them turned 18, left home, reunited with his birth family, and we haven't really heard from him since. The others I'm fairly close with. It's kind of hard because I live an hour and a half away--but I visit regularly. And love them all very much. They make life interesting, for sure! :) Love, love, love them though!

Day 10 – What you wore today

2010-12-07T22:18:00.001-05:00

Not very exciting.

Jeans
Grey short-sleeved sweater w/ faux-button up underneath
Shoes

The usual.

Day 09 – Your beliefs

2010-12-04T18:48:00.002-05:00

I believe in...
Jesus.
Love.
Hope.
the power of Prayer.
Dreaming.
Laughter.
Long walks.
Bubble baths.
Crying.
Remembering those we love and have lost.
the magic of Christmas.
Mental health days.
Extra sweet tea.
Enjoying the moment.
Independence.
allowing yourself to feel Vulnerable.
wishing on Falling Stars.
Myself.
You.

Day 08 – A moment

2010-11-27T15:14:00.004-05:00

Last night, I had the perfect moment. Seriously. I decided to bake homemade sugar cookies from scratch while my sister & her family decorated the Christmas tree. It was such the Kodak moment, so I grabbed my camera & had fun. :)

Putting ornaments on the tree

One of my favorite sets of ornaments "COLE"

Finished product...well, almost.
Clean up hadn't commenced yet & the tree skirt wasn't in place.

Day 07 – Your best friend

2010-11-22T12:12:00.002-05:00

Trick question! I have more than one best friend. And yes, it's completely possible. I love them all dearly.

I have best friends that I've known for 12 years or longer and some I've only known about 3-4 years; but they don't mean anything less to me due to time.

Qualities I admire in a best friend, that mine have: honesty, loyalty, decent listening skills, spontaneity, laughter, fun, and blunt sarcasm.

There are many more things in this world that make my best friends amazing, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. I'd lay down my life for any one of them at any point and not think twice about it. If I need an ear at 2am, I know they will be there. If I need someone to hold my hand because something scary is going on, any one of them would be right there to take me by the hand and tell me it was going to be alright. That's what best friends do. And I couldn't ask for better ones!

Day 06 – Your day

2010-11-21T18:46:00.002-05:00

So, I certainly have not accomplished this in 30 days. But we all knew that wouldn't happen, but I will complete this meme. I will, I will, I will. Now that I'm past my 100th blog entry (genuinely what I was waiting on doing at this point), I should be able to progress through these somewhat daily from here on out. :)

My day today:

Slept in until around 11am. Yes, that happened. I have bronchitis bordering on pneumonia...it's allowed.

Woke up, got ready, met my parents at their house.

Went to Wal-Mart with my parents. Bought up a bunch of food for Thanksgiving, some on-sale Fall decor items for next year, and some door clings for my screen door for Christmas.

Had Mexican for lunch with mom & dad.

Got to my parents' house, separated/unloaded groceries, hopped in the car, raced to my sister's & got my bags from there, hopped back in the car, raced to my roommates' parents' house, picked up some things for her, and raced to the apartment before she left for work.

Since I've been home I have put groceries away, started laundry, and settled in for homework while watching Family Feud re-runs.

I'm thinking I will vacuum here in a few, avoid dusting until I'm over the bronchitis, and sweep/mop both the bathroom and the kitchen. Then I will finish up homework for tomorrow night.

Overall, a busy day, but nothing too exciting. Fun stuff.

100: Things I'm Thankful For

2010-11-21T00:21:00.002-05:00

Surprise! Apparently it's my 100th entry. In honor of this, and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I have decided to do a post of 100 things I'm thankful for. Oh my goodness, I could go on so much longer, but I'll settle for 100. Leave a comment of things you're thankful for! :)

Life.
Today.
Family.
Friends.
My cohort/colleagues (who are also friends).
My education & my ability to pursue it.
Doctors.
My unlimited access to doctors (I've been sick recently).
That I don't have to worry excessively about finances, even when it's tough.
Personal transportation.
That my bills are paid.
My general health.
My home.
Food on the table.
Memories.
My faith & ability to worship freely.
Freedom.
Being born in America.
Love.
Jesus who died for me.
My great-grandparents who helped mold me into the woman I am today.
Phones to keep in touch.
Organization.
A job.
My sight.
My ability to hear.
My ability to move without assistance.
Ability to keep in touch with friends.
Quarantine.
Sweet tea.
The raising my parents gave me.
Caffeine.
My Goddaughter.
Christmas.
Thanksgiving.
My ability to travel.
Full-body massages.
Meditation.
Clear skies & starry nights.
Sunsets.
The beach.
The ocean.
My ability to walk, run, and be free.
Swing sets.
Puppies.
Specifically, my puppy--Cooper.
Professors willing to share their knowledge with transparency.
Good stories told by friends.
Good rant sessions in a safe environment.
The counseling profession.
Flowers.
Babies' laughter.
Joy.
Full moons; so gorgeous.
Painting and my (in)ability to pursue it.
The passion & talent God gave me for singing.
Using music and a ministry.
Anyone & everyone willing & able to pray for me.
Amazing grace.
Mary & Joseph and their patience on the floor of a barn.
The Bible & my ability to read it.
Technology.
Science & research advances.
Shoes & my easy access to them.
The giant hearts of my siblings.
Cheesecake.
Lindsey Wilson College & all it means to me.
The LWC Singers and the 2nd family I found in the members of that group.
Coloring books & crayons.
Clean drinking water.
A warm, comfy bed to sleep in.
Ice cream.
Antibiotics.
A great novel.
Good conversation.
PostSecret--I'm not alone, afterall.
Play.
Hugs.
Bubble baths.
Rainbows.
My heritage & my ancestors for their perseverance through persecution.
Libraries.
Journals.
Inspirational quotes--little snippets of amazing people and their wise minds.
Mexican cuisine.
Being ambitious.
Living in a place where I get to thoroughly enjoy all 4 seasons.
Broadway plays.
Sunshine.
Rain (especially on a hot tin roof--the smell, the sound--pretty sure that's what heaven sounds/smells like).
Lakes.
Hiking trails.
The natural beauty of "home."
The kindness of strangers.
The hard times--they make me appreciate the good ones so much more.
Veterans and current service men/women.
Choices and my ability to make them (or choose not to make them).
Acceptance: MORE THAN TOLERANCE.
Laughter.
Hope.

As mentioned before, I could go on for days; but for the sake of this entry, I will limit myself. Enjoy.

Day 05 – Your definition of love

2010-10-26T17:46:00.002-04:00

There are so many types of love that this question is complicated.

You have eros--your typical romanticized version of love. Basically, you've got people trying to impress each other, potentially deceiving each other in the process. It's based on more physical traits than emotional ones and will not last very long unless it develops into a higher form of love

There is philos--brotherly love. The type of love two friends share. To me, this also represents loyalty, that is typically unbreakable. This kind of love is based on a give-and-take and both people typically have some sort of gain out of the friendship.

And lastly, you have the highest form of love, agape--unconditional love. This love has no conditions, no boundaries, and is unwavering. Very few people are able to love at this capacity and yet I strive to do so everyday. Unconditional love can be painful. It's not easy. But in the end, it's totally worth.

So, my definition of love is a conglomeration of the various types of love. You give a little, and you take a little, and love until it hurts before loving some more.

Day 04 – What you ate today

2010-10-22T15:40:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how my current meal choices are blog-worthy material, but hey, I committed to the process, so why not?

So far today I had 2 blueberry muffins for breakfast & a grilled cheese with chicken noodles for lunch.

So exciting, I can hardly contain myself. :)

Day 03 – Your parents

2010-10-20T22:44:00.002-04:00

My parents are amazing people. Seriously...I don't know how they manage all they do in the amount of time and with the amount of strength that they do. My parents have fought for what they believed in, even when it meant standing up against their families to adopt a child of bi-racial background, and have provided a home to over a hundred foster children who are in/out of the system throughout the years. My parents are adoptive parents to 6 children and biological parents to 3 children.

My parents have taught me about the hardships in life and how to overcome adversity. They recently celebrated their 25th Wedding Anniversary on October 3rd and just returned from their honeymoon yesterday. It took them 25 years to get it, but they were finally able to celebrate their commitment to one another in the form of a get-away to the New England states over a week's time. I'm happy that they've made it to that point.

My parents have showed me what it's like to love unconditionally. They've taught me about what I want to seek out in a life partner and what I want to avoid. They're not perfect, by any means, but no one is. Regardless, I love them and appreciate them for the life they have worked so hard to give me. I couldn't ask for parents who were more supportive of me and my decisions in my life, and I am so thankful for that because I know too many people whose parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children, and that just doesn't work.

I could go on for days, but I'll stop there. My parents = awesome. The end.

Day 02 - Your first love

2010-10-18T11:41:00.003-04:00

Ah, I don't know if this is a story I want to recall. My first love story is such a bittersweet one...sweet in the beginning, with a harsh, bitter ending. Sometimes I try to pretend it didn't happen, but it did, and I'm all the better woman for having experienced it. We met in high school through a mutual friend. I was a freshman, he was a senior. We dated for a few months and I broke things off when he decided he was going into the military after graduation. We ended up back together at some point, well multiple points, throughout my high school career. We were engaged in January of 2005, I broke things off in April of the same year. Tried again 3-4 times in college (never dated exclusively during that time, though).

Basically, the army ruined the boy that I knew. And by ruined, I mean, they sent him to war when he was too young, he developed PTSD, and I was the outlet for all of his frustrations, fears, and anger. Our relationship became abusive, and yet, I held on. I still don't know why. Maybe it was the idea of the "first love" being so wonderful. And I will admit that in the good times, when he wasn't having episodes, our relationship was really great and he was the most gentle, loving man I've ever known. But the episodes of anger and jealous rage just were too much to bear at the time. I cut complete ties with him nearly a year ago. He got some counseling, went to rehab, and I've been told is doing well. I'm happy for him and I'm glad that he's finally found peace and happiness in his life. It took me a while, but I've found peace in mine as well. And I think that's the most you can ask for out of failed attempts at love--peace of mind, knowing you did the best you could with what you had at the time, and in the end you learned more about your own personal strength than you ever thought possible.

Day 01 - Introduce Yourself

2010-10-16T12:49:00.003-04:00

I feel as though I've done this "fifty-eleven times" as my great aunt would say. But why not go for fifty-twelve? :) I'm Jenny, I'm a 23-year-old, graduate student, counselor-in-training, Christian-ever-changing, world peace advocate, who is a hippie (in values) lost in a modern world of hurt, pain, and suffering. I dream big. I have full faith that I can change the world and ambition enough to do so. I believe in the power of love finding its way. I love a God, unlike any other, who loves me despite the imperfections that I embody as a fallible human. I have 9 siblings, 8 of which I still have contact with, 6 of which are adopted. My seven-year-old blonde-haired, blue-eyed nephew is the light of my world. I have friends who are my lifeline, without them, there is no telling where I would be in this world. I would lay down my life for those I love, without question or second-guessing. I worry too much. I'm a perfectionist. Your perception of me is probably way different than mine. My self-efficacy is rarely the greatest, but I have always delivered. I believe in the beauty of a person's smile and admire the simplicity of a pure heart. Old couples make my heart smile. I've fallen in love with a mass number of men who don't even exist--thank you, Rhett Butler & Mr. Darcy for completely ruining my chances of finding a worthy partner. Okay, I'm kidding there, but hey, you gotta love those men! :) I read as often as I possibly can and love the classics. I'm told I have an old soul and that I'm wise beyond my years...I believe that's because I live everyday of my life channeling my great grandmother's spirit into my very being and my daily actions. I want to be more like her because she wanted to be more like Jesus. What better role model could I ask for? I guess, overall, that's me. I'm quirky, blunt, and honest...but I'll tell you with a Southern accent so sweet you'll never know I was criticizing you. But I ask for feedback as much as I give it and I take it to heart enough to make changes when necessary. Maybe we should all do a little more of that? Truly listen when someone tells us what they don't like and truly consider that they may be right. They may not be, but they just may be. And if they are, what are you going to do about it? I'm off to find something semi-productive to do. Or maybe I'll just procrastinate some more (that's what I typically prefer), either way...that assignment will still be there when I'm finished.

30 Day Meme

2010-10-16T12:46:00.001-04:00

Courtesy of Desirae I am going to attempt a 30-day Meme here on blogger. Eh, we shall see how it goes. :)

30 Day Meme

Day 01 - Introduce Yourself
Day 02 - Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

life aspirations

2010-10-08T11:19:00.002-04:00

This past week for one of my assignments, I was encouraged to reflect on my life aspirations and to write a poem or draw a picture based on the images that come to mind when thinking about my aspirations, goals, and dreams from childhood until now. As my cohort can attest, we've drawn about 7 pictures for this class, mostly consisting of the same items, so I decided to write a poem. I used to write poems all day everyday, and then one day I stopped. I'm not sure what happened. Mostly I didn't think I had one in me to put on paper. This past week I've learned different. So, I've decided to share with you, the first poem I've written in several years.

Life Aspirations
Toughen up, tiny dancer--fragile hearts will break.
Silence your song, little singer--liberal words will shake.
Be yourself, little one--march to the beat of your own drum.
Stand up for yourself, quiet one--no one can bring you down now.

Break the mold, creative artist--pave a new path for yourself.
Say your prayers, little lamb--find your faith and stand tall.
Chase your dreams, dream weaver--don't be afraid to fall.
Tell me your secrets diligent planner--learn to throw caution to the wind.

Tell me your dreams, then go achieve them.
Listen diligently--help the broken.
Break the silence--advocate for love.
Peace, love, and equality are my values--
this often leaves me aching.
I hold the world in my heart--
even when it's breaking.
© JEB

I Will Praise You In This Storm

2010-09-24T22:25:00.003-04:00

The weather tonight is so ironic. I love to listen to storms--the rain on the roof, the thunder rolling it's big strong, arms around flashes of lightening. It's beautiful. Serene. Peaceful in a strange sense. I get lost in them.

And yet, tonight, I find myself in my own personal, metaphorical storm. My emotions are running wild, my mind telling me one thing, my heart another. Is it possible to love too deeply? Not even in the sense of romance--just generally speaking. Mother Teresa taught me to love until it hurts, then love some more...but is there ever a line? When does the pain received from loving others become self-destructive? Or does it? Just something to think about, I suppose.

Today I have a lot weighing on my mind and my heart. My Baby Brother turned 19. It seems like just yesterday I was dragging him around like a little rag doll and now he's turning into a man. Such a strange feeling. I feel like he and I are drifting apart as we both get older and that breaks my heart. For the better part of my life he was my best friend, and then he became interested in girls and big sister got put on the back burner. Which is fine, it's all part of the maturation process, I suppose. But I do hope to make the effort to rebuild the friendship we had as kids in our adult lives. I want him to know he can talk to me and that I'm there for him.

Three years ago today, on my brother's 16th birthday, bless his heart, we lost my great grandmother. My Granny Dutch was the most amazing woman I have ever known. She was my hero and my lifeline. When things were hectic at home, I could pack my bags and run away to her. She was my safe place. Strong-willed and stubborn, yet gentle; definitely the matriarch of our family. Losing her was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. And I still struggle with it on days like today when I'd really like to escape to her big comfy bed, where we would read scripture together before drifting off to sleep. It's her image I see when I think of the diligent, Christian woman. She raised her family, cared for my great grandfather until the moment he took his last breath in '03 and never considered it to be a job. It's what she did because she cared. She not only loved with all she had, she was love. And I only hope that someday I can turn into half the woman she was. I hope that I'm on the path to being that woman.

Love is so hard sometimes. And yet, here I am, with this big ole heart offering it to everyone; even those who hurt me. It seems as though it's especially to those who hurt me sometimes. But that's what I value. Jesus told me to love my enemies and my neighbor as myself--but what happens when you show more love to others than you do to yourself? Where is that balance? Love of self is just as important as the love of others. Not narcissism. But love. Genuine, pure love. Without it, we cannot offer all of who we are to the world. We cannot influence change in others' hearts if we are not willing to love the person we are.

Can someone please tell me why my blogs tend to generate more questions than answers? Hmm...I guess I have a lot to ponder on. But, first, I will leave you with this song that is overwhelmingly powerful to me right now. It's Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns.

I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

midnight ramblings

2010-09-02T02:19:00.003-04:00

I should write more. I completed my goal of journaling and/or blogging everyday for a month and I haven't had time to pick up a pen or sit down at a keyboard long enough since. I felt so much less stressed when I wrote daily. Sometimes I found that I wrote 5 pages before I put my pen down. Mostly just ramblings about my day or my thoughts haphazardly scrawled across the pages, but nonetheless, they were no longer bottled up in my brain, left to roll around and get jumbled, keeping me awake for hours at night.

Maybe my lack of writing is where my weird dreams are coming from. Or maybe they're coming from other sources. I don't know, but they're there. I wake up with doubts of the path I've chosen for myself or the relationships I've established and sometimes the relationships I've ended. It's strange. Not sure what to think of it, if anything. Second-guessing oneself isn't all that uncommon, is it? I don't find that I do it often, but my self-efficacy isn't always what it could be either. Nonetheless, I always deliver. At the end of the day, you will have what you need from me. Regardless of my belief in myself to accomplish it.

I think I just need some goal-setting in my life. Goal setting, followed by a plan, that is. I vaguely know the things I want out of life, but nothing concrete. Without concrete thoughts, plans, or goals they are but mist, pretending to exist. I want to solidify them. Then I can set to making a plan. Small steps that will lead me to the ultimate goal. Unfortunately one of the steps I need to take to start this process is one that is going to completely change my life--hopefully for the better--and rearrange things momentarily. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Therefore, I'm praying for direction, guidance, and hope. I'm looking for the sparkle I once had. Not only trying to figure out when it disappeared, but why, and where it went...how I can get it back.... Sometimes all you can do is live for yourself, but my fear is I will leave nothing but (metaphorical) carnage behind in the process.

Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalm 46:10

2010-08-25T14:59:00.004-04:00

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

As a culture, we're too busy, too loud, and too anxious. We don't take the time to slow down and listen to ourselves or our Creator. We worry about things that are out of our control. And we overanalyze events in our lives to a fault.

I say "we" because, I too, am guilty of such.

In the stillness of the day, I get uncomfortable, so I turn on music to fill the silence. At home alone, the tv stays on even if I'm not watching it because of the "need" for background noise. If I find myself with nothing to do, I will create something for myself to do. Honestly, I don't think I've allowed myself to be still or silent (other than sleeping) in years.

Why? What am I afraid of? What will I "hear"?

I think this is why I have difficulty meditating. In prayer, I'm talking with God. In meditation, I wait for Him to speak to me. And that's intimidating for me. What if He asks me to step out of my comfort zone? What if He calls me to do something incredible? What if He doesn't? What if I hear nothing?

Maybe this blog raises more questions than it answers. But overall, it's something that I would like to work on. "It" being learning to be still and quiet. Learning to listen in the silence. Not feeling the need to be constantly in motion. I think that in the stillness we find meaning to the things in our lives that concern us the most. And sometimes that can be scary. Now it's time for me to let go and let God. In search for my purpose, my meaning, and my strength, I vow to take time each day to be still, be quiet, and know that He alone is God.

don't stand still

2010-08-19T16:09:00.003-04:00

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." -Albert Einstein

I don't think I had ever come across this quote until today. Shocking, I know, since I have such a love for random quotes that make you think about life. And this one, most certainly makes you think. Does me anyway.

I think too often we are quick to become stagnant in our lives. We get into a routine doing basically the same thing day after day: go to work, go to class, fix dinner, crash in front of the tv, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. We get stuck on replay and never really go anywhere.

What are three things that you know you want out of life TODAY? Not ten years from now, but in this very moment, in the next 24 hours.

Mine:
1. Get my office & school binders organized.
2. Complete 1 of the 3 outstanding case notes that I have lingering on my task list. (All 3 in one sitting is a daunting task, but I can get 1 finished.)
3. Do homework from tonight's class during office hours tomorrow.

These three things seem pretty simple, but they are significant to me. And they are reaching toward overarching goals. #1-My mental health is dependent upon organization and orderliness. When things look chaotic, my life feels chaotic. #2-Things are going to get very busy for me very soon. This will allow me to start with a clean slate. A fresh start is always nice. #3-I am aiming for a 4.0 semester this fall. When I can stay on top of my work during office hours, I don't feel guilty for taking time away from family & friends to get it finished because it's already done.

So, keep moving. Preferably forward. But don't stay stagnant. Be spontaneous. Do something you enjoy just because you like it. Buy those shoes you've been eyeballing. Take that trip you've been planning for years. Just MOVE!

Happy 23rd Birthday to Me!

2010-08-17T17:40:00.002-04:00

Today is my 23rd birthday. I don't say this to get a series of "Happy Birthday" comments or well wishes. It's just a statement. A statement that makes me think.

In my 23 years I've seen a lot of things, done a lot of things, and been a lot of places. I've met many people, made several friends, and lost a few friends as well. I have known love and I have lost it. I've held a new born baby, kissed its cheek, and felt its warmth. I have fought hard for something I believed in, only to realize it didn't believe in me. And I have fought for something I believed in, to see it through to success.

Somewhere in those 23 years, I became a woman. And in my 23rd year I have plans for myself. I started out this year of my life with a trip to the doctor. I will have all test results back in one week. If everything comes back clear, I will continue working with this doctor in order to find out where all this excess weight is coming from and what I can do to change it. Before my 24th birthday rolls around, I should be where I need to be physically thanks to this wonderful doctor's help.

I am thankful for another year to enjoy life. I am thankful for another year to follow God's will, and I'm thankful for His blessings in my life. I hope to use my 23rd year to continue to further my relationship with my Lord & Savior and hope to find a home church in the coming months so that I can worship with other believers like myself.

I cannot express enough my gratitude to those who have been supportive of my journey in life. All I have known, I carry with me, and those pieces of you make me who I am. Thank you for that. Without you, I don't know where I'd be!

my better story

2010-08-04T15:30:00.004-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a book junkie. I would read my life away if I were able. I nearly always have a book in progress and every book I read changes my life in some form or fashion. I use to live for the love stories of fictional men like Rhett Butler and Mr. Darcy. What's more is I allow my life to be inspired by the authors of these books.

Recently author Don Miller wrote a blog challenging me (you, everyone really) to blog about the kind of story I want to live. Not about my passion or my integrity or my goals, my life. The very person I will become as a part of the story-line of my life. This got me thinking...if I allow my life to be inspired by the stories that other people write, why can't I be inspired by my own story? The story that I write everyday. The story that is so intimate to my very being.

My story is rather boring up until this point. I grew up with a chaotic family. My parents were foster parents who frequently brought new brothers and sisters (aka-play mates to my 8 year old self) into our home in hopes of giving them a better life to live and a better story to write. I still keep in contact with many of those children and still fondly consider them my brothers and sisters. This lifestyle gave me a perspective into the dark side of life. Many of the children I grew up with came from horrible backgrounds of abuse, neglect, drug use, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression.... As an adult it's heartbreaking to think about, but overall it planted a seed in my heart that will forever outline the story that I'm writing.

I did well in school and typically stayed at the top of my class. I was the "teacher's pet" and "Miss Goody Two Shoes" according to many of my friends. In reality, it was the only thing in my life that wasn't changing and that I could control. I could get good grades because I was capable and otherwise, my life was a whirlwind. Instability consumed every ounce of my life with the exception of school. That was consistent, easy. That was my story for many years: perfectionist, straight A's, the "good kid."

Grade school came and went and with it went many friends and family members. I enrolled in a small private liberal arts Methodist-affiliated college in South Central Kentucky. It was not my first or even third choice of school, but somehow I landed there. This is where my story began to change. Life became more stable. My parents stopped keeping foster children and eventually adopted six children, totaling eight brothers and sisters for me. I was still doing good in classes. Past relationships had faded away, paving the way for a brand new life, another chapter to my story.

I graduated four years later, not making much of an impact, with a B.A. in Criminal Justice. Did absolutely nothing with it and became a graduate student in the school's Counseling in Human Development program the following fall. This is the point where my story became a story worthy of inspiring someone. I began that program two weeks shy of one year ago. And my life is forever indebted to those that I have come in contact with. The program operates on a cohort system and I've been exposed to some of the most amazing, inspiring individuals I have ever known. And the professors have taught me a wealth of knowledge.

In 9 months, I will graduate with my M.Ed. in Counseling & Human Development and I will be eligible to start the process of licensure in the state of Kentucky. Will I do this? Of course. Will it be the end of my story? Absolutely not.

As counselors in training, we're taught the importance of advocacy in our work as counselors. This has gotten me thinking for the past 12 months...what can I do to make someone else's story a better story? How can I improve the lives of others? Yeah, I can be a counselor and help people work through their problems, but what can I really do? How can I make a difference?

Then it dawned on me. My story goes back to the beginning...8 years old and nervously awaiting the arrival of my first foster brother. I remember hearing my parents tell his tragic story and how hurt he had been throughout his life. Fifteen years later, I still remember it. And 15 years later, I'm advocating for it.

My better story is about advocacy. It's about going out into the trenches of rural Kentucky and feeding, clothing, and teaching the children of those communities about how they can better build their story. While, I imagine I won't have the funding in the immediate future, my story is about creating an agency that protects kids who fall through the cracks of the system. The kids who end up in juvenile detention centers because of bad parenting or because people have given up on them. My story is about holding their hands, letting them know that they are loved, and standing up beside them (not in front of or behind) and fighting for their rights as people.

My story is about creating an agency who provides rehabilitation for the kids labeled as "bad" or "not good enough." My story is about the love that overwhelms my heart when I see a child on the streets or walking around dirty and barefoot because their momma can't afford to bathe or clothe them.

This story doesn't reach the depths of Africa or Central America. My story reaches home. My story reaches to South Eastern Kentucky where kids struggle every single day. My heart aches for them, and I want them to know it. Many people in the helping profession have warned me of this particular population. I kindly shrug off their suggestions and inform them of my story and how I know what I'm getting in to and how excited I am to help! But on a deeper level, it's about healing my own heart that has been so broken by their stories. Selfish? Maybe. But can you blame me?

Don Miller is hosting the "Living a Better Seminar" in Portland, Oregon in September. I feel as though attending this conference would give me the tools to give my story a climax. It would give me the tools that would empower me to put my agency into motion. It would give me the networking opportunity to put my story out there. Who knows? I could meet my first colleagues at the conference whose stories are about advocating for the hurting children of America as well. Attending the conference could be the start of my movement to save the world, one broken, battered, hurting, beautiful child at a time.

I believe the conference could change your life as well. Check it out: www.donmilleris.com/conference

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

dream big

2010-07-31T19:17:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I sit and contemplate where I'm at in life, where I'm going, where I want to go, how I'm getting there, and what will be waiting for me beyond all the struggles, trials, victories and triumphs on the other side.

My third semester of grad school is quickly coming to a close; only two more weeks! Then I start my last fall semester of classes, quite possibly ever (I still haven't made up my mind if I'll ever pursue a doctorate degree). I'm moved into my first apartment and even after living there a month, I haven't settled in. I think I'm afraid to. Afraid that permanency of my childhood is leaving me and the responsibilities that come with adulthood are embracing me.

It's so strange. All of it. In less than a year I will be working at a career of some sort, not just a job that pays the bills. I hope that it's something that I love and that will help me get my license as quickly as possible. Maybe I'll end up teaching at some point. gasp You all definitely didn't see that one coming! Blindsided you, I'm sure. I've never even dreamed of teaching until I got a brief taste of teaching at the collegiate level and I believe it's something I could do and could do well. After presenting at the Kentucky Mental Health Association Conference last spring something woke inside of me and ignited a potential flame. We'll see where that goes later on down the road.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to graduate and find a good supervisor so I can obtain my LPCC. I mostly want to stay in my college town. I have an awesome apartment for a great price--I couldn't find anything cheaper anywhere else, that's for sure. I'm somewhat settled in my relationship. I should be anyway. That's a story for another day, however. I just don't know how much growth opportunity there is here. The other side of me is longing for my favorite city on the planet, New York. And there is a small little tinge begging for the beaches of the Pacific in San Diego. Would I even be brave enough to pack up the little life I've made for myself and move somewhere completely opposite of the life I've lived for nearly 23 years? I wouldn't know anyone. But I could be everything I've ever wanted to be, and more.

Ah, there is time for decision-making and that time is not today. But a girl can dream, can't she? Lord knows, my dreams are big. And one day the biggest of them will be realized and a life will be changed. That's all I can ask for. And I hope that you can say the same.

not much to say/update on uncle.

2010-07-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

My uncle is doing well. He's home from the hospital and gaining his strength. God is good. :)

My life is going. Things are hectic, as always, but I'm trying to keep my head up and my eyes focused on where I'm going. There are three weeks left until the end of the summer semester and right around that seems way too close! I have a few things to finish up before I feel ready for that. Shew. And to think, I spent my day reading a novel! haha. Figures. :)

I will be able to update more frequently within the coming week or so. August 2nd internet will be installed in my apartment! I'm very excited about that. August 1st, the dish will come. I'm pretty complacent about that though. It will be nice for some background noise once my month of avoiding television is up, but otherwise, I don't really follow any shows or anything like that. Not enough hours in the day for all that.

Oh well, I'm off to go fix some dinner and maybe work through some homework. We shall see. Enjoy your day & stay out of the heat!

prayer request

2010-07-18T12:38:00.002-04:00

Today my great uncle Jesse is on my mind. A couple of days ago he underwent triple by-pass surgery on his heart (the need for surgery was sudden). They also put in a temporary pace maker. The surgery did not go well, he was continuing to leak blood, and was placed in the cardiovascular ICU. Please keep him in your prayers. He is my grandmother's baby brother, and I know she is worried about him. Lift him up that he may be healed and doing well on his own.

new blog

2010-07-17T01:29:00.001-04:00

I broke down and created the new blog. You can follow my 101 in 1001 here: http://jennyb101in1001.blogspot.com/

Now this blog can be reserved for other things and fulfill its original purpose. :)

Baby Luke (1:37)

2010-07-09T11:08:00.004-04:00

Today, I just want to ask all of my readers to stop and say a prayer for a special little boy, Luke. Luke was born with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) and his pulmonary veins from heart to lungs are very small. At two days old, this precious boy went through open heart surgery. Now at 9 days old, he is still fighting for life. His precious, little hands & feet are not receiving the blood flow necessary for his survival. The doctors are having difficulty finding a pulse in them & little Luke's heart is fighting hard, but struggling to support his precious body. You can follow Luke's story at http://lukesexton.blogspot.com

Please do! Pray, saints, pray! Pray that Luke's blood will flow to his hands and feet and that his little heart will beat to save his life. The Sexton 3's story has changed my life, and I'm sure if you take the time it will change yours as well.

Nothing is impossible with God. -Luke 1:37

life transitions

2010-07-05T02:46:00.003-04:00

Today, July 5, 2010 marks a big day in my life. I am moving out on my own. In a sense, I have been "on my own" for a while...living in a dorm for the past 5 years of my life. But for once, I will have my entirely own space. With that comes independence and responsibility. Both of which I am nervously excited for.

I should be asleep right now, resting up for the big move...but I'm anxious...and my pain medicine for these wisdom tooth extractions had me asleep all day. lol. I probably won't even be staying at the apartment tonight, but that's beside the point. Once I have boxes of things moved in, it will be officially mine. I think I will start my Project 365 tomorrow as well. I think I shall call it "The Road to Independence." Each day will be a picture depicting me in my life transition. Not only am I embarking on a journey of independence, but I am embarking on a journey of health.

The beginning of July marks the halfway point in the year and by the end of this year I would like to see at least half of the weight I want to lose gone. I plan on walking to work on days the weather permits me to do so and on days when I don't have class until 10 at night (I won't walk home in the dark). Being able to have my own kitchen in which to prepare my own meals will help tremendously in this journey. That's one of the things I am most excited about!

I have a lot of things to look forward to over the next 6 months, and the next year. By the time I walk across the stage to receive my second diploma in May 2011, I would like to see myself at my goal weight or very close to it. I know that it is possible. And I know that I am willing to make it happen. I just need the support from friends and family to keep me going. And accountability is key, especially for me.

Starting today, July 5th, I am promising myself that each decision I make in my life is a decision made to increase my health and my happiness as well as the health and happiness of those around me. I am going to start a handful of my 101 goals tomorrow:

6. Complete a Project 365 (0/365).
11. Journal/blog daily for an entire month (0/31).
55. Simplify my life by getting rid of everything I haven't used in the past year. (Working on this as I pack, but will continue to do so as I unpack.)

Progress already made on goals:
2. Reach my ideal body weight (120-130 range): Total loss 4.6 lbs
33. Find 5 ways to live a "greener" lifestyle (1/5).
a. Consciously remembering to turn the water off when I brush my teeth.

Back to square one on the following goals:
26. Learn to meditate and practice it mindfully.
77. Go one month without television (0/31 days).
101. Create a budget for myself & follow it!: This one will be easier once I have paychecks/bills coming in on a regular basis.

progress report

2010-06-29T00:09:00.002-04:00

Let's see, I have much to update on.

My summer bucket list is 2/10 complete. Saturday afternoon I took a water tai chi class and fell in love. I will be doing research to track down a class that meets regularly in my area (water or otherwise)...hopefully I can find one!

As far as my 101 in 1001; I have started a number of goals.

2. Reach my ideal body weight (120-130 range): I lost 3.4 lbs this past week.
26. Learn to meditate and practice it mindfully: starting on this, but I have learned it will take time.
77. Go one month without television (5/31 days): I may have to restart this one; but so far, so good.
101. Create a budget for myself & follow it!: Buying a register to keep track of bills/payments/etc. tomorrow.

Bucket List Revisited & 101 more goals (in 1001 days)

2010-06-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

This is Blake. He meets the requirement for number 10 on my Bucket List. :) His mouth is not, in fact, black...he was eating mulch. haha. Unfortunately, he won't be able to live in the apartment with me (no dogs allowed), but I have a friend who is going to keep him for me.

I will also be attacking number 9 on my Summer Bucket List tomorrow--I'm trying water tai chi!

Now, I am also going to start doing a 101 things in 1001 days. It's an on-going process that began on 6-22-10 & will end 3-19-13.

1. Graduate with Master's Honors.

2. Reach my ideal body weight (120-130 range).

3. Get a passport.

4. Complete at least half of the necessary hours to obtain my license as a professional counselor (2,000+). [0/4000--total hours for license]

5. Run a 5K.

6. Complete a Project 365 (0/365).

7. Volunteer somewhere meaningful on a regular basis (at least 2x per month for 6 months).

8. Have professional family photos taken with my siblings & parents.

9. Improve my posture.

10. Go horseback riding.

11. Journal/blog daily for an entire month.

12. Tithe, mindfully.

13. Submit a postcard to PostSecret.

14. Cut sodas from my diet, completely. (Considered accomplished after 6 months). [0/6 months]

15. Have a career, not just a job.

16. Buy a house.

17. Plant a tree on my birthday, every year. (8-10; 8-11; 8-12)

18. Give up fast food for an entire month (0/31 days).

19. Build my savings to $3,000 ($211.26/$3,000).

20. Buy a new car.

21. Consciously avoid complaining for one week (0/7 days).

22. Have a commitment ceremony/wedding.

23. Perform in public--in a venue other than church.

24. Learn conversational Spanish.

25. Visit at least 2 states I have never been to (0/2).

26. Learn to meditate and practice it mindfully.

27. Introduce Cookie to the magic of Disney with a trip to Disney World.

28. Give someone a genuine compliment, from the heart.

29. Have a consistent sleep schedule for one month (0/31 days).

30. Avoid all fried foods everyday for one month (0/31 days).

31. Give up sweet tea for one month (0/31 days).

32. Become vegan for one week (0/7 days).

33. Find 5 ways to live a "greener" lifestyle (0/5).

34. Complete a scrapbook.

35. Cook dinner for my family in my new apartment.

36. Have a home where I can have a dog.

37. Have a real vacation.

38. Spend a long weekend (or week) at the beach (on either coast).

39. Donate my hair to locks-of-love (again).

40. Follow in my granny's footsteps & decorate cakes for fun...try at least 5 that look like something! (0/5)

41. Learn to drive a stick shift.

42. Get professional photos taken with my grandparents.

43. Interview my grandparents (on camera) about their lives growing up & raising their families.

44. Do the same with my great aunts!

45. Purchase a video camera to record said videos.

46. Participate in my local Relay For Life.

47. Participate in a March For Dimes walk to support Cookie's nephew who was born preemie & her niece who was stillborn.

48. Participate in a Walk for the Cure.

49. Get the tattoo I want across my ribs.

50. Buy 5 Yankee Candles--1 for each room in the apartment (0/5).

51. Own an expensive purse.

52. Buy some quality heels.

53. Schedule a breast reduction (once ideal weight is reached).

54. Buy my first ever VS Bra.

55. Simplify my life by getting rid of everything I haven't used in the past year.

56. Get a smart phone.

57. Bake 5 things completely from scratch (0/5).

58. Try 20 new recipes (0/20).

59. Go white water rafting.

60. Go canoeing.

61. Go kayaking.

62. Go cliff jumping.

64. Spend 10 days on the lake (0/10).

65. Go camping.

66. Read 75 books (1/75).

67. Get my license to carry a concealed weapon.

68. Buy a gun.

69. Spend a weekend in Nashville with Vicki.

70. Meet at least 1 other person from Q.

71. Seriously contemplate relocating to another state.

72. Finish Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD (all 3 levels!).

73. Purchase (or borrow) & complete P90X.

74. Practice Yoga everyday for 101 days (0/101).

75. Let go of the SINGLE grudge I hold in my life without befriending the person again.

76. Sell $1000 worth of Mary Kay items ($0/$1000).

77. Go one month without television (0/31 days).

78. Turn my cell phone off for 48 hours.

79. Help my grandma create a digital copy of all our family recipes to pass down to the generations (then print it out and bind it).

80. Make 5 things out of that recipe book (0/5).

81. Reward myself for something simple with a full body massage.

82. Complete a coloring book (thanks Courto!).

83. Buy something from Etsy.

84. Knit a (wearable) scarf and give it to someone as a gift.

85. Get my permit (possibly license) to drive a motorcycle.

86. Buy 15 new books for my personal library (0/15).

87. Ride a rollercoaster (big deal for me, they terrify me!).

88. Donate blood.

89. Create a filing system that works for my home office.

90. Spend a weekend (Friday after 5pm to Sunday after 5pm) in quiet retreat at The Close.

91. Host a game night.

92. Send a "just because" care package to someone who needs it.

93. Find a "home" church.

94. Go the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C.

95. See another play on (or off) Broadway. (I REALLY would LOVE to see Wicked in Memphis in October. lol.)

96. Go see a movie in theaters by myself simply because I want to see it.

97. Celebrate one weight loss goal with a little black dress.

98. Try Spinning at least 3 times (0/3).

99. Go parasailing.

100. Come out to my extended family.

101. Create a budget for myself & follow it!

be the change you wish to see in the world.

2010-06-11T00:07:00.003-04:00

Some days I wish I were interesting and other days I'm glad I'm not. Could you imagine trying to maintain that lifestyle? I surely could not. I like being plain, simple me. Well, most days at least. I'm not overly exciting, have no desire to be rich or famous, but I do so deeply desire to change the world. I mean, there's a good chance that somewhere in this world, at some point in time, a revolution is going to happen. Things are going to change. A movement will be made. And I want to be one of the people to start it. Maybe quietly, in the background, unnoticed...but that's the way I prefer things anyway--out of the limelight. Maybe it's a smile to someone on their bad day. Or implementing the right intervention during a counseling session. Maybe it's being inspirational in my volunteer work or my $10 making a difference to a charitable organization. Nevertheless, you better believe my life's work will be known by those it touches, and that's quite enough for me. I will change the world. Don't believe me? Wait and see.

My List!

2010-06-08T21:31:00.004-04:00

So, this summer I have randomly been inspired (by @lindseytip on Twitter) to do a "Summer Bucket List". There are only 2 rules: 1. You can't do something you already have plans to do (i.e., if you're already planning to go to the beach on vacation, don't write down "Go to the beach."). 2. When you do something on your list, document it. Take pictures & blog your experience.

I'm going to keep my list at 10 items, simply because I know my summer is going to be busy, hectic, and full of planned & unplanned events.

Here is my list:

Go kayaking and/or canoeing.
Train for a 5K run/walk event & sign up for one.
Learn to play something other than "Amazing Grace" on the piano.
Perform in public (karaoke counts, church doesn't).
Take a Zumba class.
Start a Project 365.
Become an early riser.
Plant a tree on my birthday.
Try yoga, tai chi, or some other meditative/relaxation exercise.
Get a puppy to live in my new home with me. :)

So fellow bloggers, what does your bucket list look like?

i feel deceived

2010-05-24T23:25:00.001-04:00

So, for 22 years of my life I have always been told by dentists & orthodontists that I do not have wisdom teeth and I should feel lucky that I will not have to deal with the pain and complications that often comes with such.

Well, over the weekend I experienced the worst tooth pain of my entire life, assumed it was possibly abscessed due to the amount of inflammation around the gum area. No, no, that couldn't be it. I have an impacted wisdom tooth trying to grow in sideways on top of another tooth. Obviously, this doesn't work out well.

I've been referred to an oral surgeon. I'll be making a consultation appointment tomorrow. I feel wronged in life. I should not be having to deal with this. And yet, here I am. Still in pain, but enough that it can now be tolerated with OTC medications not prescriptions (other than the antibiotic I'm taking for the infection that's set up around the gum area due to the pressure). Who knew tooth pain could be so draining? All I've wanted to do is sleep for two days. And mostly that's all I have done. However, tomorrow and Wednesday are full days so I should probably call this an entry & start getting ready for bed.

If you have any pain remedies that are good for wisdom teeth, please feel free to share!

reflections as a counselor-in-training: year one

2010-05-21T00:17:00.002-04:00

As promised, here are my 22 life lessons that I have happened upon in my first year of grad school.

one. Being vulnerable will not kill you; being a perfectionistic ball of stress will.

two. People matter more than things ever will.

three. Sometimes all you can do is pray that tomorrow is a better day.

four. Until you accept yourself where you're at, implementing change is impossible.

five. Pick your priorities and organize your life accordingly.

six. You can't be all things to all people.

seven. Sleep is important, but cultivating friendships is more valuable.

eight. Mental health days are perfectly acceptable and sometimes necessary.

nine. Sometimes you have to take charge of your own education--the professors provide the base but only real-life application, experience, and research can commit it to memory.

ten. Sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way.

eleven. A good, long cry can cleanse your mind, soul, and body.

twelve. Your health is important, so take care of your body.

thirteen. Consistently engage in good self-care habits or you'll burn out and wear yourself down.

fourteen. Laughter really is the best medicine.

fifteen. Choose your dream and chase it. Make everything do a pursuit of that goal.

sixteen. If you don't enjoy what you're doing, do something else.

seventeen. Slow down. Live in the moment, in this very second. If you look too far forward or too far back you'll miss all that is today.

eighteen. Do one thing at a time. Stop fooling yourself; multi-tasking is completely ineffective and we both know it.

nineteen. When you love, love without reservation. Even if it's painful, unconditional love will change your life.

twenty. Choose your beliefs and defend them. Do not let others determine your values.

twenty-one. Be open-minded and nonjudgmental. You'll make more friends.

twenty-two. Be who you truly are, and do not conform merely for the sake of conforming. God made you a unique individual with a purpose--find it and live it.

And that's all I've got to say about that. :)

so, yeah, about that

2010-05-19T12:07:00.003-04:00

I suppose you're still waiting on an update about my tour in Texas, or maybe you're not, who knows? Does anyone other than Susan even read this regularly? ha.

Anyway, Texas was the best tour of my Singers career. Definitely worth being my last one. Highlights: We sang at The Open Door Mission in Houston. Wow. That was the crowning moment of my singing career...it might even surpass Carnegie Hall. Actually, I'm pretty sure it does. I have never in my life sang in front of a group of people so appreciative of music and glorifying God. So moving.

Highlights (cont): I got to visit briefly with my great aunt & uncle who live in Houston. They came to one of our concerts, baked brownies, and brought snacks. Love them! It was really great to see them. Visited the Sixth Floor Museum in the old book depository from where it's believed that Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. I have my own theories, but you know. Who am I? That was fascinating, I love history. Drove by the old Texas Stadium before it was imploded. That's fun, I guess? Spent a dreary day at Galveston Beach Island. I didn't even stick my toes in the water. I did enjoy lunch at Chili's with some amazing people though. The rest is pretty typical, really.

What am I doing now? Nothing much. Back to the grind stone. Finished up last semester with a 3.86 gpa. Woo! That brings my grand total graduate school gpa to a 3.80. I'm pretty content with that. Those A-'s will get ya though! I'd much prefer doing away with the +/- system. But once again, who am I?

Now it's scrummaging to get 80 direct client hours in a matter of 13 weeks. I'm crossing my fingers! Otherwise, I have 10 hours of classes, most of which will be interesting. I'm working 30 hours a week. And I'm trying to seal the deal on a house to move into in late July. August 1st I become homeless if the realtor won't close with us. And I'm not looking forward to a rental property search if the house doesn't work out. But, I will do whatever it takes, of course. Because, well, that's what I do.

Looking ahead: I have compiled a list of 22 life lessons that I've learned in my year of graduate study. Why 22? Because that's the number of years I am old. I also have a few rants on my list of blogging topics. We shall see the fruits of my labor soon. As for now, I have case notes that need to be completed, lunch plans to be made, and homework assignments to be read. Such is the life...

procrastination personified

2010-04-18T22:25:00.002-04:00

I suppose I should let you all know that I did survive my trip to Texas.

I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off in order to get everything finished for this semester. Three weeks, dear Jesus, help me!

I will not be backdating entries for all the ones I have missed this month, I will admit failure and move on.

When I can slow down and breathe, I will update you fully on my trip so that individual entries are not necessary.

Until then, I'm trying to finish my 10-20 page paper about my life and my family, complete with 25 terms involving systemic therapy techniques. Then I will be summarizing an article on narrative therapy, and crashing because I need sleep for my 9am session in the morning.

Awesome. After that I have to reschedule another session because of a meeting with the School of Professional Counseling faculty about the new program we're using for file keeping.

After that meeting I have the wonderful pleasure of reviewing a session before class at 4 in order to fill out a 7 page critique about myself and my counseling skills.

Woo.

Procrastination at its finest ladies & gentlemen. But God knows, I have the best intentions and I always deliver.

life's a lesson, learn it.

2010-04-05T23:45:00.002-04:00

I don't know how, I don't know when, and I surely don't know the turning point...but today I had a turning point in my life. I need to slow down. I try to do too much in too short of a time span. I try to do too many things at once. And this results in blogs like yesterday's in which I am overwhelmed, nearly in tears most nights of the week, and stressed beyond my max.

Not only do I need to slow down, but I need to stop multi-tasking. I can only read one thing at a time; I don't need 15 tabs open in Firefox. One is sufficient. I don't need to have Firefox open while I'm working on school work or case notes or whatever the case may be. I've learned that I get much more accomplished much more quickly.

So from this day forward, this is my work ethic. ONE THING AT A TIME. I'll get a lot more done that way!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2010-04-04T01:11:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday to my daddy!

PS-If there is a word to describe being significantly more than overwhelmed that would be me right now. I am failing at everything, seriously. I need a vacation, and right now I'm not even seeing a break for two straight weeks. And I won't get to go home again for about a month. Stressed to the max is an understatement.

Hopefully things will calm down before I leave on Wednesday. I hope.

too many irons in the fire....

2010-04-03T22:27:00.004-04:00

I have way too many irons in my fire right now. I feel pulled in about a million different directions. I need to be a good girlfriend. I need to be a good daughter/granddaughter/sister/aunt. I need to be a good student. I need to be a good worker. I need to be a good member of a group (Singers).

None of these things seem to be working out for me. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all weekend trying to be there for everyone. And I feel like I'm failing at it all. My paper that needs to be turned in on Tuesday still isn't written. And I only saw my friend's mom for about 5 minutes today. And I've spent a lifetime driving today...so I haven't really been with anyone.

I need to rest. Otherwise I will be going nonstop (literally) for a solid two weeks. That's death. Seriously. I will crash if I can't find a way to catch up ASAP.

Ugh. Too much to do. Too little time. Say a little prayer for me if you don't mind. Peace & patience would be great virtues right now.

:(

2010-04-02T10:22:00.002-04:00

Dad's birthday party went awesome. Pictures soon to follow.

Best friend's mom is in the hospital with a massive stroke. I'm worried. Very worried.

More to follow with more time.

oh brother

2010-04-01T12:39:00.002-04:00

My brother and I are about to go around and around in circles. During the weeks that I'm gone to school he lives in my room (he has his own, fyi), sleeps in MY bed (has one of those too), and trashes the place. I come home and there are ants all over my desk (gross) because he leaves soda cans out for weeks at a time, my bed isn't made right (sheets going the wrong way, whole nine yards), my bathtub is black because he uses it after he's been working on cars, there's piss on the toilet seat because he can't aim to save his life (poor kid, never had a chance), there is trash shoved in totes (that's not the trash can!), and wadded up receipts and gum wrappers thrown wherever he happens to let them land.

Now, let's be reminded that my brother and I have the same raising. I don't know where these horrible habits came into his life at, but, um, my obsessive compulsive personality disorder and I do not approve. I spent two solid days over my spring break a mere two weeks ago scrubbing the bathroom top to bottom, dusting my bedroom, even cleaned the ceilings, and trying my dangedest to sweep a plywood floor (we're in the process of renovations). Yeah, that's how long it took me to deal with his mess then. Ugh. It's just exhausting. He's been letting the cats sleep in my room, which isn't allowed because I'm allergic.

THIS IS MY LIVING SPACE! And I'm sick and tired of it being invaded. Just because I'm gone more often than I'm home does not give him the right to disrespect my things, my space, and my desire for cleanliness and order. All my toiletries around the tub and sink are knocked everywhere & when I left after spring break everything was in its place.

/end rant.

out of pain comes strength

2010-03-31T16:34:00.002-04:00

"There are certain passions only learned by pain. And there are times when God, knowing that, allows us to endure the pain for the sake of the song." Max Lucado 'A Gentle Thunder'

I'm not sure where I happened upon this excerpt, I have yet to read Lucado's A Gentle Thunder; but regardless it speaks mountains to me today, and pretty much everyday of my life for that matter.

To say I come from a life of pain would be misleading. I am a lucky woman, who had a decent raising, and parents who care even when they don't necessarily know how to express themselves. I have always had clothes on my back and enough food on the table. I have never done without. I have been given an incredibly opportunity to further my education with a Master of Education degree. And I am so thankful to have been as blessed as I have been in my life.

But on the other hand, I know pain. I know what it feels like to find yourself in the depths of your own personal Hell and have to dig the trenches in an effort to fight your way back. I've dated every wrong guy imaginable. I've witnessed the loss of loved ones. I have suffered. I had my innocence stolen; I didn't get to give it away. I've been kicked while down. I've been lied to. And I have been manipulated so badly that I didn't know which way was the right way.

I am now much older, much wiser, and not afraid to admit my struggles. I have realized that the pains in my life have made me stronger and more determined than ever to be the person that those people weren't. I want to be a loving mother who isn't afraid to hug her kids instead of yelling at them. I want to be a wife who can have my own independence and feel safe in the presence of my spouse. I want to trust and be trusted. I want to love and be loved, unconditionally--no if's, no but's--just me. I have come closer to God during my times of loss, rather than farther away. I have drawn to the presence of the Almighty during my trials because He only knows that if I wouldn't have, I probably wouldn't be here today.

I have fought the good fight, and I have won. I'm more confident now than I ever have been. I'm stronger now than I ever was. And I'm strong enough to say I forgive those who have hurt me. I will never forget what they have done, but they have shown me a strength that I never would have known that I had if it weren't for the things that they have done. And for that, I am grateful to them.

I know I am strong because I have been weak. I know I am strong because I can cry (there was a point in my life when I couldn't). I know I am strong because there is no hate in my heart for anyone. I know I am strong because I have the love of a risen Savior in my heart. I know I am strong because I have people who love me for me. And I need nothing more.

a silly post for Susan

2010-03-30T21:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

It is likely that I have food poisoning.

It is not likely that I will blog every day in spring. Maybe April. We shall see.

Love,
Jenny

PS: No tears, right Susan?

integrity

2010-03-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

"Living with integrity means:

Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
Asking for what you want and need from others.
Speaking your truth even though it might create conflict or tension.
Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

-Barbara de Angelis

This quote is loaded. I'll probably expand on it more at a later date. But basically, this quote is saying that integrity is being true to yourself.

Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.

Saying that you deserve the best of the best. Do not settle for someone who "will do" because ultimately, that relationship will fail. You must settle for that which you deserve, someone who makes your heart stop when you kiss them and your knees buckle when they hug you. Someone who will look forward with you and grow together.

Asking for what you want and need from others.

So many times we avoid telling others what we want or need because we can "handle it on our own". Who the heck are we kidding? There are times in life when we need help! And there are sometimes when we just need someone to know exactly what we want, not attempt to read our minds and then get upset when they don't do that well.

Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.

This is not saying cause drama. This is saying, if it's true for you, do not go along with the crowd just to impress. Be yourself, express yourself, do not be held back because of what the group believes.

Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.

Basically, don't sleep around because "it's what everyone is doing." Don't drink if you don't believe in drinking. Don't do drugs because your friends are doing them. It's okay to stand apart. Stand up for your beliefs. Be your own person. Hold true to yourself. Always.

Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

This explanation basically follows along with what I've said before. Just because the crowd thinks you should, doesn't mean you should. Do what you WANT in life (within reason, of course). Be your OWN person. Be responsible for yourself and your actions. And the best way to do that is by making choices on your beliefs and not those of others!

That is all for now.

life is messy

2010-03-27T13:08:00.002-04:00

"I embrace the messiness of life--I want to learn, grow, and become a better person."

These words have never been truer in my life. I'm studying for my Master of Education degree and therefore, I am learning daily. I'm currently writing a research paper on Choice Theory by William Glasser and I'm learning so much about life and how to deal with people. I'm developing my theoretical orientation as I go through the pages of these books and articles. It's an interesting feeling. I'm becoming a real counselor!

And daily I am learning more about who I am and what I want from life. My life has been extremely messy over the past few years...things are constantly changing, evolving, and moving around. I try to accept these changes with grace and a smile because I know in the long run I am becoming a better person for the trials that are in my life. In the moment, that's sometimes hard to do; but in retrospect, that's how it always seems. The trials in my life mold me into the woman I am to become--the woman I am becoming.

And you know what? I am proud of that woman. I'm a woman who is bettering myself mentally, physically, and spiritually daily. I am strong, but not afraid to be vulnerable. I will pick up the pieces of your life when my own is lying on the floor. And I will love with everything I have and more, even at the risk of a broken heart when all is said and done.

thanks Susan

2010-03-26T23:44:00.003-04:00

Susan inspired a countdown survey for today's entry. :)

10 FAVORITES
Favorite Color: green.
Favorite Food: mexican.
Favorite Month: august.
Favorite Movie: dirty dancing.
Favorite Sport: i cannot choose between ncaa basketball & mlb.
Favorite Season: summer.
Favorite Day Of The week: saturday.
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: birthday cake.
Favorite Time Of Day: evening.

9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: disappointed.
Current Taste: lemonade.
Current Clothes: sweats & a t-shirt.
Current Desktop Picture: a postcard from postsecret.
Current Toenail Color: pink.
Current Time: 10:47 pm.
Current Surroundings: dorm room.
Current Thoughts: why are you such a jerk?

8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: cierra or stefanie.
First Kiss: lucas.
First Screen Name: browneyes1987
First Pet: a cat--Snookers.
First Piercing: ear lobes.
First Crush: kyle.
First CD: spice girls.

7 LASTS
Last Cigarette: summer. (i was proving a point)
Last Drink: pink lemonade.
Last Car Ride: to taco bell earlier.
Last Kiss: the best.
Last Movie Seen: boondock saints
Last Phone Call: cookie
Last CD in Player: no idea

6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: yes.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: speeding.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: yes.
Have You Ever Been on TV: yes. KET haha.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: no.

5 THINGS
Things You've Done Today: took a shower, went to singers, went to work, took a nap, took a bubble bath.
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the tv, cookie talking, keyboard typing, a/c buzzing, and nothing.
Things You Can't Live Without: oxygen, water, food, shelter, love.
Things You Do When You're Bored: journal, internet, text, sleep, tv.

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
1. recital hall
2. office
3. dorm room
4. car

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
1. Cookie
2. Susan
3. Alicia

2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: hot

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Visit Ireland.

fancy introductions

2010-03-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

So, I'm backdating this, but in my defense it was written yesterday...just not blogged. :)

I thought today I would let you know a little bit more about me. Just a little blurb into what it's like to be me...it's adapted from something I read not too long ago that described me so well it was scary.

I'm Jenny and I'm all about eating, sleeping, laughing, and loving. I'm small, but I have a big heart. I know I'm destined for things far greater than this place can offer me. I may not have the greatest self-efficacy, but I have always delivered. I am a strong believer of love, Jesus, and fate. I don't believe in karma, it can never explain why bad things happen to good people. I'm a music junkie, without music, I am nothing. I love baseball. I'm calm, easily indecisive, social, willing and I can have a bad attitude. I believe that things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. My heart holds the entire world, so it's always breaking. I went from the most unforgiving person I knew to being all too forgiving. Recently I've discovered that a lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about me, but really I don't care. I am me and I can't be anything more or less. Some may say I come off as cold and harsh, but I'm actually extremely accepting and kind-hearted. I'm generally a happy person, always smiling and laughing. I'm not always comfortable in my own skin, but I love who I am. I'm blunt and I'm honest, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm causal driven and will stand up and fight for what I believe in--whatever that may be. I will speak my mind, even when my voice shakes. I will love until it hurts and then love some more because that's what Mother Teresa taught me about Jesus. I believe Gandhi was right when he said that Christians are so unlike Christ; so I want to be less like a Christian and more like my God. Peace, equality, and love are my values. This often leaves me aching. I'm all too undeserving of the grace God has offered me, but I am humbled by His presence in my life.

So yeah, there you have it. Me, in a nutshell.

can i get some consistency please?

2010-03-24T23:52:00.002-04:00

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." -Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa is one of my favorite people that ever existed. I find that so many of her quotes can propel me through life. Not to mention, I love quotes. It's amazing how one or two sentences can stop time and describe everything in your life without that person ever knowing your situation! Kind of creepy really. haha.

But, alas, that is not the purpose of this blog. This blog is about the quote, about the meaning. In the past few months I have told several of my friends and family members something about myself, expecting them to continue to love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, this hasn't always been the case. These people tell me they still love me, don't judge me, etc...but their actions say something completely different.

Tonight I was hanging out with a friend I hadn't hung out with in a while and even she noticed that certain people were treating me differently. People that were once really great friends of mine have started distancing themselves to the point of merely being acquaintances. This is heartbreaking to me. Don't tell me you love me no matter what and that you don't judge me for who I am and then treat me differently afterward.

I am all about consistency. And it really irks me when people say one thing and do another. Please tell me I am not the only one?!

it's a miracle

2010-03-24T00:00:00.003-04:00

"Yes, my young friend, I have seen miracles. Every moment of every day. Every breath. Yes." -Brian Doyle

This came out of a devotional I was reading last night and it stopped me in my tracks. It goes right along with everything that I was discussing yesterday and seeing the more positive side of life. I think sometimes, as we grow older, we cease to see the miracles that life has to offer. "Every breath. Yes." Just waking up this morning was a miracle...there are many who did not. Being able to see the sun shine through my window this morning was a miracle...there are many without sight. Having an amazing group of co-workers to eat lunch with this afternoon was a miracle...there are many without employment. Sitting down with someone for a counseling session this afternoon was a miracle...many suffer alone. Every moment of every day, a miracle. Hmm. Such a profound thought.

I feel as though if people would look at each moment, each breath, each new day, each circumstance as a miracle we would be a much more positive society. I know I would be much more positive, individually. My world is full of miracles--big and small--I just need to open my eyes to see them, my heart to feel them, and my mouth to profess them to the world.

a new light

2010-03-22T23:45:00.003-04:00

"Don't give in to a culture of fear and pessimism." -Rob Morris (Co-Founder of the Love146 foundation)

God does this not describe the American culture? Today all I've heard is negativity about our government and the bill passed for health care reform. I'm over it. Change is coming, get used to it. Don't like it? Vote better.

People in general fear change; they fear the unknown; they don't like when their expectations are not met. And people naturally assume that when things become different, they go bad.

Why do we do that? Why does our culture assume so much negativity? Why do I employ so much negativity in my life? Why can't change be a good thing? Because people are scared of what is out of their hands.

I have recently come to realize that I feed into the culture of pessimism. I used to phrase it as being a "realist" but more often than not I am pessimistic about my life. In reality, I could actually use more optimism, more sunshine, more smiles. I can control how nice I am to myself (which is where much of my negativity comes from). I can control how many times I smile today. I can control how much negative stimulus enters my life (from internet, movies, articles, others, etc.). And, more than anything, I can control my responses to these things.

I am who I desire to be. And I finally choose to be happy. In class tonight we discussed a lot that made me realize I have a lot of things that have happened that could cause me to do some really destructive things to myself and those around me. But I have gotten through those things and instead I'm a strong-willed, loving, kind-hearted woman and I am proud of the person that I am continuing to become.

Life is a process and we must learn to enjoy it. If we spend our entire lives in fear and mired down with negativity...the end result is hardly worth it.

farewell spring break.

2010-03-21T23:07:00.002-04:00

Today is the last day of Spring Break 2010...and oh so bittersweet. It means that my second semester of grad school is half over, but it also means that the majority of my major assignments are due within the next few weeks. Oh dear. Of course I planned on working on everything last week on my time off...schyeah right. That didn't quite work out. But I had a blast playing board games with my nephew, spending time with my love, playing catch at the park & watching movies with friends. Now it's back to the grind stone and finishing out strong...

I look forward to many late nights typing up research papers, trying to figure out the diagnostic material I've been giving for a fake client, and digging into my family's history. Okay, maybe I don't look forward to them, but I'm expecting them to be enlightening. I have my timelines in place and I'm ready to go. Tonight is my last night of freedom and I plan on using it to the max. I still need to unpack, make my bed, and do a couple article summaries for tomorrow night's class. Fun stuff.

I'm also preparing for a trip to Texas the second week of April. Singers is going on tour there. I'm looking forward to it, as I have family there that I would very much so like to connect with. Should be a good trip. Not necessarily relaxing, but worth it. As long as I'm caught up on work, I'll feel good about it. And at this point I should be. I need to be. I WILL be. :)

Enough is enough...I think I'm done with my little update. Expect them more frequently, I'm considering a Spring-long blog-a-thon. (Oh, didn't quite mean for that to be so corny. Sorry!) My only hiccup may occur when I'm in Texas. I'm not sure how much internet access I'll have from place to place. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up!

Hello Spring, goodbye spring break, welcome end of the semester!

striking a balance

2010-03-12T01:04:00.003-05:00

Do you ever question whether your life is making a difference? I do. I struggle so much sometimes, particularly in my position as a mental health counselor in training. I am called to be a helper and yet sometimes I wonder if I'm even helping! I like to think that I am. I want to believe that I'm effective and helpful. But what if I'm not? What steps can I take to ensure that if I'm not helpful, I realize that and can make steps to change the behavior? I have wonderful supervision in my counseling training from at least three separate advisers/supervisors. I have a wonderful faculty of professional counselors and counselor educators providing me with information on a regular basis. And sometimes the weight of the world still seems to rest on my shoulders.

I want to make a difference. Not for the glory, not for the honor, or the accolades. I want to make a difference because I like to see other people no longer struggling through problems. I want to make a difference because there is so much relief in a person's eyes when their problem no longer exists. The smiles of others and the ability to lift others up can motivate me for weeks.

It's my life calling. And I know that I need to check my work stuff at the door when I leave work. But right now that's a really difficult balance--I live at work! My dorm room serves as a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, an office, a study room, and for counseling sessions. There is no balance. There is no consistency. The past five weeks I have put in well over the hours listed on my contract & I'm tired. I stay so busy that I get put on the back burner. I want to make a difference, but now I have to learn how to make a difference without completely letting myself go in the process.

Ah, the life of someone who takes on the world's problems for a living....

mental health evening

2010-03-02T22:04:00.003-05:00

It is highly likely that I am currently being irresponsible because I am not working on homework or reading or anything school-related right now. Actually, I don't plan on doing any of those things at all tonight. I have decided to take a "mental health" evening. NO school or work related activities. Just relaxation. Maybe some pleasure reading and going to bed early.

I just find myself constantly on the go. If I'm not at work or working on case notes or in class, I'm spending time trying to prepare for class or trying to play catch up. And I'm exhausted to the point that I believe it's making me sick. I had to leave class early last night because of it.

So, yeah. I'm taking time for me tonight. I have no set plans. No agenda. And no school books within ten feet of me. I can finally breathe. I'll play catch up tomorrow and throughout the weekend. But for now, not a chance!

my Lenten journey

2010-02-17T00:34:00.003-05:00

Today I am preparing for the Lenten season and journey of sacrifice. While I'm not Catholic and did not grow up practicing Lent, when I came to this small, private Methodist college in 2005 I began to learn more about liturgical worship and the various things that go along with it. I began acknowledging Lent as my own personal practice in 2006 and have successfully fasted from a variety of things including: fast food (McDonald's in particular), sweet tea, soda, and relationships.

This year, in my attempt to create a healthier mind, body, and soul I have thought long and hard about my Lenten journey. The forty days between Ash Wednesday and Eastern Sunday are not only days of sacrifice, but days of remembrance, days of reflection, and days that build strength. My desire to serve a higher power is stronger than my bodily or emotional craving of any of the things mentioned above.

That being said, this year my sacrifices are: fried foods, procrastination (esp. the snooze button; yes, it's a form of procrastination), and soda. Currently soda is not a huge issue for me, but I need a reason to be held accountable to not default to that when I'm at home, just like I need a reason not to default to french fries in the dining center when there seems to be fewer options. And I need to start living life now; not wishing I hadn't done something I needed to do or wishing I did do something I didn't; not waiting to accomplish something tomorrow or next week or year...but doing it today because it is worthy of being done today. The present moment is meant to be lived and I should cherish the gift of today, all day, everyday.

May your own personal journey be challenging, yet successful. Learn from the struggle and embrace the true meaning of the season. After all, I have eternal life because Divinity entered the world on the floor of a stable, through the womb of a teenager and in the presence of a carpenter. Without their sacrifices, where would I be?

relax

2010-02-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are." ~Proverb

This resonated with me so much today. I have been really stressed within the past week trying to meet deadlines and be all that everyone wanted me to be. I worked a 40+ hour week last week and I'm only contracted for 30 hours/week. Yeah, craziness.

I have finally pretty much caught up on all the work I was behind on. It feels SO much better to be relieved of that stress. Now, I'm back on my game, stronger than ever. This week is time to relax, get my stuff done on my terms, and get back to organized & comfortable.

Oh and it totally helped that classes were canceled tonight! Let me get myself together a little more. =)

baby steps

2010-02-11T00:27:00.003-05:00

So my positive thinking has gotten me back to a good place. =) I'm really excited about where I am right now and where I'm going.

I'm nearly caught up in work. Will be by tomorrow afternoon, no questions asked. Then it'll be time to combat some homework. Most of it is reading though...so it won't be too difficult, just time consuming. I'd love if classes were canceled tomorrow evening so I could really sit down and focus on getting that reading out of the way. It'll happen though. For sure.

My throat is sore. SO sore. I'm hoping it's just because of the crazy weather and being out in the extremely cold temperatures and that it'll be better soon. I really don't need anything complicated or a doctor's visit for that matter. Although I could stand to see a dentist & an eye doctor soon. lol.

Ya know, I'm getting there...and right now that's the most important thing for me. I'm making progress, even if it is slowly. Tomorrow morning I'm going to the new Health & Wellness Center for either a morning swim or a hardcore cardio workout. I haven't decided which. It'll probably depend on how my throat is feeling, actually. No water if it's still sore.

I'm just glad to say that I'm finally in a good place. It's been a few days since I could say that & mean it!

my mantra

2010-01-27T12:46:00.002-05:00

"I can and I will."

I've been continuing the week of positive self-image and I'm coming to learn a lot about myself and my negative thought patterns. So listed above is my new mantra. It's simple, it's to the point. I can love myself, and therefore I will love myself. I can lose weight, and therefore I will lose weight. I can smile despite a bad day, and I will. It's all about those small seemingly unnoticeable things that add up to be huge things. That's where I'm starting, small.

change number one part II

2010-01-24T17:41:00.002-05:00

51. bubble baths w/ candles
52. puppies
53. sparkpeople.com
54. a good workout
55. diy projects
56. creativity
57. finger painting
58. late night talks
59. game nights
60. an excellent worship service
61. freedom
62. good hair days
63. productivity
64. organization
65. finding pennies on the ground
66. fake jewelry
67. making the healthy choice
68. knowing my degree with further my life
69. making a difference
70. playing with little kids
71. being on the lake all afternoon
72. spending the afternoon being lazy
73. my frog collection
74. swimming
75. being a kid again
76. the first snowfall
77. my siblings
78. a good, healthy meal
79. my Goddaughter
80. feeling accomplished
81. the biggest loser
82. holding hands
83. kisses on the forehead
84. sour gummy worms
85. deep conversations
86. equality
87. disney movies
88. loop holes that work to my advantage
89. correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation
90. random "I love you's"
91. cuddling
92. socked feet
93. true love
94. being independent
95. having a plan & following through
96. change
97. new beginnings
98. new purses
99. homework done on time!
100. standing up for what i believe in because my voice matters

change number one

2010-01-23T22:54:00.002-05:00

I'm working on changing one thing in my life per week. And courtesy of a dear friend, my first change is a more positive outlook on life. Therefore, I've started a list of 100 things that make me happy. I'll start by listing 50 at a time. Tomorrow, I'll post the next 50.

1. my nephew
2. my family & their support
3. Cookie
4. random notes/cards/phone calls/emails/texts that aren't forwards
5. Quarantine MB
6. hiking
7. summer storms
8. sunshine
9. sunglasses
10. good music
11. riding around with the windows down
12. singing
13. green living
14. seeing a drop on the scale
15. movie nights
16. a day out with the girls
17. babies
18. photography
19. good books
20. journaling
21. yoga
22. that feeling right after completing a major assignment
23. daily devotionals
24. meditation
25. prayer
26. long walks
27. being tan
28. volunteering
29. old couples that are still madly in love
30. learning history of various topics
31. justice
32. Jesus
33. wildflowers
34. bright toenail polish
35. smiling through tears
36. weddings
37. camping
38. getting up early because I want to
39. a good night's sleep
40. moments when I know my loved ones are looking out for me
41. winning
42. amazing art
43. genuinely beautiful people
44. being healthy & feeling it
45. flying
46. Christmas
47. when my birthday is actually acknowledged
48. new shoes
49. manicures/pedicures
50. the beach

it's been far too long

2010-01-16T12:46:00.003-05:00

Where did the time go? Where have I been? My goodness, it's been far too long. No wonder I feel as though I'm losing my mind.

Within a matter of two days, I lost three people who have touched my life...none of them related and none of them in the same incident. My great, great uncle passed away from complications after being taken off life support in Alabama on January 13th at 8:30am. Around 9am on the same day, my middle school music teacher/choir director passed away in her sleep. And last night around 10pm or so, my best friend's grandma passed away after surviving a year with lymphoma; the cancer had spread to her brain and it was only a matter of time. It's been a struggle to say the least. To top it off, a month ago tomorrow my significant other's niece was stillborn; that was devastating to say the least. I'd be lying if I said these losses weren't taking their toll on me. Just so many added stressors.

My second semester of grad school starts on Thursday. I'm nervous...it will either provide me with the structure I need to get through from day to day or will completely overwhelm me. I know I can do all of these things that I need to do and I will get through each and every event that God places in my life; I just have to look toward Him and know that He is the author of my life and knows best.

I am also making many changes in my life; but hey, it's January, who isn't making changes in their lives? haha. I am committed to losing all the excess weight that I need to lose this year, my goal is August 17th, my 23rd birthday. My first mini-goal is February 5th--10 lbs. My second mini-goal is 10% of my body weight by Spring Break in mid-March. I can and will succeed at this. I have done it before and in less time. I also have some fitness & health-related goals along the way: I want to run a 5K race after completing the Couch to 5K program available at coolrunning.com; I want to cut soda (including diet) completely out of my life; and commit to working out for 10-15 minutes every single day. It may be strength training or cardio or both, but I want to make that commitment to myself.

I'm commited to going to church more often. I'm commited to moving out on my own in the summer. I'm commited to saving $500 by the end of the year. I'm commited to myself and doing what's best for myself. Prayer and thoughtful meditation are incredibly necessary for me to get through this rough spot in my life; but I know that I will come out on the other side with an even stronger appreciation for the life I've been given and the people in it.

Please keep the families I mentioned in your prayers, they need peace in their time of sorrow and grief. Please keep me in your prayers, I need motivation in my time of change. And know that I will do the same for you, in whatever you may need.

busy, busy bee!

2009-10-19T11:50:00.004-04:00

Blah, I failed at my goal. But it's okay...because the main reason for my failing was that I was too busy running around to actually sit down and blog. Busy-ness is good for me. lol. Well, the kind of busy-ness I was partaking in.

Thursday night was game night at my best friend's house. Friday I had an orthodontist appointment and spent the day helping my best friend's mom get ready for a baby shower which was that night. Saturday night I was scared nearly to tears at a haunted house. Best one, ever. Seriously. Then Sunday afternoon my family and I went to Haney's Appledale Farm and Bear Wallow Pumpkin Patch. After which, my best friend & I had some amazing Chicago style stuffed pizza and went to see Where the Wild Things Are.

It was the perfect ending to an otherwise dreary fall break. The sun finally decided to shine yesterday (it rained every other day of the 9 days I was home). And the sun is out today. But now it's back to work and to the grindstone. I have a lot to get accomplished this week and over the weekend, since I will be on call this weekend. Joy, joy.

I made an appointment to get a new tattoo...which I'm incredibly pumped about. A treble clef with some double eighth notes around it, with a circular design behind it. I'm getting it October 30th. On the inside of my left leg...near my ankle. It's a late birthday present. lol. I wanted to get summer swimming over with before I committed to two weeks without it. haha. And this is the first opportunity I've had to make the appointment. Yay.

Okay, it's off to work!

so tired of rain!

2009-10-15T09:25:00.002-04:00

I am so tired of the rain! I was hoping I'd have nice weather (although chilly) for break, so I could get some photography done and go work out and whatnot. But nooooooooo, it has been nasty ALL week! I just hope it clears up for the weekend. I'll be sad if I don't get to go to the pumpkin patch & the apple farm. lol. Those are my yearly fall break traditions.

I need to start getting ready. I have laundry to do, dirt pudding to make, and a paper to start. I can't finish it because none of the libraries within a 30 mile radius have books relevant to my topic, go figure. So, I'm going to write the last half, which is based on current research and journal articles written in the last 3 years...so I can find those in online databases.

Ah, crazy two days! But, I go to the orthodontist tomorrow. Woo. Hopefully I'll be without my retainer 24/7 now. I'm hoping to only have to wear it in the night/evenings...when I'm at home and not doing anything. That would be GREAT. Not that it even bothers me anymore, but I swear, I've been wearing it for months...and I still have people just now noticing it. lol.

And so I'm off to do all the million things I have to do today. Woo. =)

secrets don't make friends

2009-10-13T20:32:00.000-04:00

So, in a matter of minutes after posting this I hope to shed myself of a secret that has been holding me down for about 5 months now. Now, this could be an amazing thing, or devastating. I'm not sure which yet...and I guess I won't know until I get rid of it. I'm nervous. As in, sick to my stomach, head spinning kind of nervous. But it can't wait any longer. If it does, it'll only continue to get harder and more difficult to actually formulate the words. So here's to nothing...or everything...who knows?

In other news, fall break is a joke. I haven't had a break! Hopefully that will change with tomorrow, but I doubt it. I'm babysitting my 5 month old goddaughter for about 6 hours. I'll have a blast, but I'll be worn out as well. I'm excited about it. And I'm hoping a little bit of my research paper will be done also. It's due Nov. 9th. Sheesh. It's sneaking up on me!

Anywho, I'm off to put on my big girl panties and get this over with. Tomorrow I hope to update you with good news! Wish me luck.

i have nothing important to say, no really.

2009-10-10T10:36:00.003-04:00

I don't have much to update on today, but I know that if I don't update right now...it won't get done. I just woke up about 30 minutes ago...and that felt absolutely amazing! I didn't plan on getting up for another 30 minutes, but I'm going to pick up my best friend & she happened to get off work several hours early....so I am typing this out really quick while my water is heating up for a shower. haha.

So in a couple hours, best friend time commences. Good food. Good times. Silly pictures. Loads of laughs. Maybe a good movie. And the wonderfulness that is each other's company. We even get a sleep over! haha. Even better. I haven't had one of those in a while. Most of my friends are married with kids, so it's nice to have someone who can still do whatever, whenever not unlike myself.

So yeah. That's that. =) Great day ahead, for sure! We're not even going to let the cold & the rain stop us.

countdown commences

2009-10-09T14:21:00.002-04:00

I am 2 hours away from fall break & am so excited I can't see straight! lol. I have so many awesome plans:

Best friend time, including: awesome dinner out tonight; going hiking to some waterfalls; pumpkin patch; apple farm; shopping; movies (Where the Wild Things Are, specifically); helping put together a baby shower; um...just hanging out & awesomeness
Time with my nephew: two play therapy sessions!
Time with my beautiful goddaughter...lots of pictures shall result
Family time in general
Catching up on papers that I haven't really started yet, but have gathered research for!
Reading, for pleasure

Yay! So very exciting. Hmm. Not much else to ramble about today. I'm off to do some homework questions BEFORE I leave, so I don't have to worry about those over the break. =)

Have a great day!

life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

2009-10-08T14:54:00.002-04:00

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -Helen Keller

I live my life by quotes that inspire me. Seriously, I have an entire notebook filled with them...and add to it on a regular basis. One day I would like to say something so profound that it is passed down from generation to generation, keeping my soul alive forever. Interesting thought, huh? That our souls don't die, as long as we are remembered. My great grandmother passed away in 2007, but she's still very much alive...because I allow her to live through me--in my remembrances of her, in my tendency to do things the way she did them, and in my heart because I miss her so dearly.

But anyway, that's not quite the subject of this blog, now is it? Clearly my quote is about the adventures of life, not the absence of life. I hope you carry something away from this musing that will inspire you to take action and truly experience life as it was meant to be lived.

I think far too often, people sit in the background waiting for life to happen to them. If they were supposed to go to this place or that place, then the opportunity would casually present itself and they would jump on it. But that's selling yourself short, now isn't it? We need to create our own adventures. Experience our own excitement. We have to make life happen.

In a couple of months, my best friend and I are traveling to Florida to meet up with a couple of friends of hers. I know these people in passing, but don't really know them, if that makes sense. Normally, I would bypass this opportunity in fear of not being accepted by them or feeling awkward. But I've decided that I can't quit turning down such opportunities. By the time I leave, I could have 2 new best friends! So, I'm going & I'm going to have the time of my life. I'm starting to realize I need to take full advantage of the many opportunities placed before me on a regular basis. And I just need to leap.

It could be something as simple as turning a friend down for dinner because you think you're too busy to have fun. It could be bypassing seeing that movie in theaters because you don't want to go alone and seem like a loser who doesn't have a date on Friday night. It could be indulging in your inner child and going to the park for the afternoon with your children or your friends' children. Anything. Just do it.

Quit waiting to get a new outfit until you lose 10lbs. They clearly make clothes in your size already...or you'd be running around naked! Quit waiting to talk to that long lost friend until they call you...you're just as capable of picking up that phone. Quit waiting until your kids are grown to travel--show them the world so that they can appreciate it! Stop waiting for love to find you, and extend love to everyone you meet. Quit pushing off that church service because you just can't quite find the right match...go to a new service each week until you find the one that matches.

Far too often we plan our lives out perfectly and fail to seek action. What if we seek action...then wing the rest. That would make life the true adventure! So, if you've been thinking about doing it, go for it. What's stopping you?